The Bronze

It's a rare film that can be funny, heartfelt, sassy, sadistic, and very, very raunchy.  I am happy to report that The Bronze sticks the landing quite well.  I had the distinct pleasure of seeing this at an 8:00 pm Thursday early screening (midnight screenings can suck it), and I must say, this is one film that has been misrepresented by its advertising campaign.  The trailers, the TV spots, all of that studio-made stuff you see, only portrays the raunchier, more comedic aspects of the film (not all of them, though - it's quite a bit more explicit!), while leaving out the fact that it's a surprisingly effective drama (I say "surprisingly" because I don't think I've ever heard of a taint locket, ever, and I doubt I will ever again).  It's not always laugh-out-loud funny (although it has its fair share of moments), but it is a wicked satire of celebrity culture/idolization, and a look at what happens after an athlete's career prematurely ends.

I'm not really a huge fan of sports movies (still not sure if Caddyshack should be considered a sports film, because... well, it's fucking GOLF), but I will make an exception for The Bronze.  It helps that the "hero," Hope Ann Greggory (co-writer Melissa Rauch), is an unapologetic (and creatively profane) asshole... yet still remains oddly likable, even at the beginning (you'll understand when you see it).  Hope isn't a washed-up athlete, she's a complete loser who lives with her dad (Gary Cole) and spends her days stealing birthday card money from his mail truck and using her fame to get free crap from the good people of her small hometown.  Her claim to fame?  As a teenager, she competed in the Olympics as a member of the U.S. Women's Gymnastics team... and won a bronze medal (after spraining her ankle).  Her career may be over, but she's still a star! (I mean, Dancing With the Stars only allows the finest A-list celebs [like Geraldo Rivera] to compete, right?)  It's kind of sad, but I'm a firm believer in schadenfreude, so it's not really that sad.

Best (non-spoilerific) moments:
-Modern-day Hope's introduction
-Hope making trainee Maggie Townsend (Haley Lu Richardson) eat tons of junk food
-Hope making a "protein" shake for Maggie
-"Nod I'm cute, nod I'm cute!"
-The much-talked about sex scene (possibly the funniest one since Shoot 'Em Up)
-The second big reveal
-The end credits (Melissa Rauch does a great in-character rap - stay for it)

It's not a perfect movie, but it was still great, and I'd see it again in a heartbeat.  Also, I should apologize if this seems a little incoherent - this is my first review in nearly a year, and I'm a tad rusty.

Rating: 90%

Rock 'n' Roll High School

Full disclosure: I'm a pretty big Ramones fan.  Hell, I've been into punk rock since high school (although my fascination probably started in middle school, thanks to the Tony Hawk games on the GameCube*).  But really, the Ramones were what piqued my interest in punk - from the moment I first heard "Blitzkrieg Bop" in Jimmy Neutron as a kid (I still have the soundtrack album), I realized I liked this sort of music.  But enough about that.

Rock 'n' Roll High School is shamelessly cheesy in the best possible way: No subtlety whatsoever.  It's like Grease, but with significantly less spontaneous musical numbers, car/sex metaphors, spontaneous musical numbers combined with car/sex metaphors, John Travolta, John Travolta getting hit in the balls, teenage pregnancy, and swearing (not joking - not like the Ramones were known for being dirty, anyway**).  We do, however, get significantly more sadistic principals (well, ONE sadistic principal), (literally) exploding mice (!), punk rock, actual Ramones concerts, Ramones, Dee Dee acting dorky (in other words, being himself), secretly awesome teachers, moronic/sadistic hall monitors, cocaine jokes, bathrooms that are used to run secret rackets (the guy in charge can hook up guys with girls, give dating advice, get you weed, etc. - the whole thing reminds me of the cartoon Recess, for some reason), insanely dorky football players who can't get dates (!!), and explosions.  There's also an intricate plot, but for some reason it doesn't really matter.  Oh, and a hysterical scene with a sex doll that has to be seen to be believed (don't worry, it's tamer than you can possibly imagine).

If you want a really deep, thoughtful movie about high school, watch Angus.  If you want cheesy, goofy fun that features the actual, honest-to-God Ramones (well, not Tommy - Marky had taken his place by that point) serenading P.J. Soles (and Marky fucking teleporting, with his drum kit, from outside her house into her fucking shower during a dream sequence***), and school REALLY being out forever (well, you'll get what I mean), then watch this.

Rating: 90%

*I'll post about it on my other blog, if I ever get around to writing about it.
**Unless you count the title of the song "Censorshit" or one word in "Warthog," they have kept it cleaner than even MxPx at this point (yes, really - MxPx just released a cover of Screeching Weasel's "Leather Jacket," "fuck" intact).
***It makes sense in context... she was stoned... I don't fucking know, it's a goddamn movie.

A Million Ways to Die in the West (advanced review)

Note: the following review is SPOILER-FREE.  Do not look at ANY spoilers for this film - trust me, they'll ruin two of the best jokes in the film.  In fact, don't even look at the cast list on Wikipedia or IMDb or anything (I'll explain why shortly).



Ladies and gentlemen, it is with great pleasure that I bring to you this special review of A Million Ways to Die in the West - more than a week before it hits theaters!  As noted in a special message (pre-recorded by stars Seth MacFarlane and Charlize Theron), those of us in the theater would be amongst the very first members of the general public to see the finished film.  Now, without further ado, on to the review!

I know many of Seth MacFarlane's programs (Family Guy, American Dad, the dearly-departed Cleveland Show) are despised by just as many people as there are fans of said shows.  Ted showed that he was more than just a great TV writer, voice actor, and singer - it proved that he could direct and write films, too.  A Million Ways to Die in the West, in turn, blows Ted away (figuratively, although with all those gunshots, perhaps literally, too).  Within the first thirty seconds (probably the first ten or fifteen, actually) of the film's opening narration, the first joke landed right on target - and the film proper just kept going from there.  Alternately laugh-out-loud funny, heartwarming/romantic, and suspenseful (Liam Neeson makes a great villain), A Million Ways to Die in the West may not be Blazing Saddles, but it comes very, VERY close (though the two are difficult to compare, really).  I can honestly say that this one might be worth going back to see once it releases to the general public (I am pretty sure I missed a couple of jokes this time - everyone was laughing much too hard).

The only real downside to the film was that a very few (and just a few) jokes were a little too awkward - mostly from overstaying their welcome (and even a couple of these redeemed themselves with a great punchline).  In a film in which virtually every joke hits the bulls-eye, it's hard for there to be any standouts, but there are two - I won't spoil them, but they both involve VERY unexpected (yet not technically out-of-place) cameos.  Again, DO NOT LOOK AT ANY SPOILERS OR CAST LISTS (at least until after you have seen the film).  And don't tell anyone who intends to ever see the movie, either.

I'd like to conclude this review by thanking the cast for their outstanding performances (especially Liam Neeson - seriously, DO NOT FUCK WITH CLINCH LEATHERWOOD), to the writers (duh), and to Mr. MacFarlane for directing, writing, producing, novelizing and starring in this film, as well as everyone else who would have worked on it (I didn't have time to stay for the credits, but I am sure they weren't as long as Iron Man).

Rating: 999,999/1,000,000 (hey, how else was I gonna rate it?)

Note: I wrote this review for Gofobo (which distributed the passes for the advanced screening).  The version on that site is not as complete as this one.  The screening was on May 21, 2014, at 7:30 p.m. in Columbia, MD; this review was written and posted on both Gofobo and my blog on May 22.

Pacific Rim

I liked this movie.  I didn't love it - I just liked it.  The premise seems simple enough: giant monsters (the Kaiju) invade our world through a portal beneath the Pacific Ocean, so we develop giant robots (the Jaegers) to battle them.  Unfortunately, that's about as deep as it gets.  Sure, there's some stuff in there about humans "interfacing" with the Kaiju like the Jaeger pilots (there are two pilots per machine, connected via neural interface), but that actually kind of weighs the movie down.  The movie really shines in its action scenes (which are absolutely spectacular), as well as in some of the acting (notably Charlie Day, who injects a little bit of humor into the film, as well as Idris Elba and Ron Perlman).

A sequel is planned (although I don't really see the point, as the movie works very well as a stand-alone film).

Overall: A good tribute to the old Japanese kaiju films (such as Gojira), Pacific Rim possesses some originality, but this is brought down by a cliched story and (mostly) average acting.

Rating: 70/100

The Hangover Part III

The Wolfpack is back, for one final adventure - and this time, the plot is actually new.  When Alan causes a major freeway accident (it involves a giraffe and an overpass), his father suffers a fatal heart attack, and his friends and family decide that it's time for him to go away to get well.  As Stu, Phil, and Doug take him to the looney bin, they are run off the road... by Black Doug (remember him, from the first movie?)  In fact, the whole plot of this movie hinges on the first two films (especially the first one - they pick up on very minor pieces of dialogue from that film and make them into plot points here).  Ken Jeong is back as Mr. Chow, who is just as crazy as ever (perhaps even moreso now).  We also have the return of Jade the Hooker (from the first film), as well as her son.

Although nowhere nearly as good as the first film (which is as much a "popcorn classic" as films such as Star Wars and Casablanca), Part III is a great improvement over the second film, which was just a rehash of the first film set in the Philippines.  This time around, the humor is MUCH darker (often venturing into the realm of black comedy), with a surprising amount of violence for a gross-out comedy.  Also notable is the fact that the humor is slightly less juvenile than in the first two films (although whether or not this is a good thing is a matter of personal opinion - after all, even Benjamin Franklin loved a good fart joke).  Most interestingly, however, is the fact that we get some character development from Alan - he actually matures a bit during the film, and even takes responsibility for some of his actions.  It's pretty touching, in some ways.

While the humor here is hit-or-miss (primarily "hitting," though), Part III serves as a worthy finale to the trilogy.  Don't get up as soon as the end credits start to roll - there's a quick (but absolutely priceless) scene just after the initial cast list.

Rating: 80/100

Additional Note: There was one scene I simply could not stand to watch.  To put it bluntly: I am not epileptic, but I swear to God, said scene probably would have given me a seizure.  Also, I now understand why they banned that one episode of Pokemon with the missiles and the flashing lights (which is nowhere NEARLY as bad as the scene from the movie I'm discussing).

R.I.P. Roger Ebert

Legendary movie critic Roger Ebert has passed away at the age of 70, following a recurrence of cancer.  Roger Ebert (along with Leonard Maltin) inspired me to start reviewing movies, and for that, I thank him.  My condolences go out to Mr. Ebert's family, friends, and colleagues.

Red Dawn (remake)

As Forrest Gump once said, "stupid is as stupid does."  The remake of Red Dawn isn't stupid - it's completely effing retarded (and I do NOT use the "r-word" lightly).

Things I Liked About This Movie:
-The cast was awesome.
-The Korean-American Marine (I think his name was Smith) was basically a massive redneck.

Things I Hated About This Movie:
-Everything else.

The plot (North Korea invades the United States) isn't even halfway realistic (unless you count the video game Homefront, which was the idea of John Milius, the director of the original Red Dawn - Homefront actually offers up a reasonable scenario, at least).  North Korea's military is entirely focused on attacking South Korea, and their entire strategy is, "let's throw as many men and tanks at the South Koreans and Americans and hope that we have more guys than they have bullets."  North Korea's two major allies are Russia (which, in this film, has been taken over by ultra-nationalists [sort of like in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare]) and the People's Republic of China (which was the original enemy in the remake - the film had to be re-edited so as to allow it to be shown in that country, which would not have been possible with the Chinese as the invaders [at least China would have been a more plausible adversary than North Korea]), and even they don't like the North Koreans all that much.  Let's look at some of the highlights of this movie's idiocy:

-An EMP wipes out the communications infrastructure, rendering the U.S. military unable to coordinate, yet allows iPhones to continue to operate.  In reality, many of the computer-based systems in the military are hardened against EMPs, while iPhones are not, so the opposite should be true.
-As a large chunk of the military is deployed overseas, there aren't enough troops left to combat the threat at home.  This actually makes sense.  However, I highly doubt that the only initial defense against an invasion would be some local police officers and a single F-16.
-North Korea invades the west coast, while Russia takes the east coast.  Because obviously, North Korean forces wouldn't be attacked by the South Koreans, the Japanese, and the Australians as they launched an invasion of the U.S., while the Russians could just slip by NATO and France.
-North Korea's military SUCKS.  Big time.  Their equipment is shitty, their soldiers and even their officers are under-trained and underfed, their navy is a complete joke (compared to the rest of their military, which isn't that great, either), and their few allies don't even like them that much.

At least the original Red Dawn was at least halfway plausible - this one makes Harry Potter and Star Wars look like highly-realistic films.  Hell, I bet that even the Lord of the Rings movies are more factual than this piece of crap.*  Don't waste your time.

Rating: 15/100

*Yeah, I haven't seen any of the LOTR movies.  Sue me.