Godzilla (1998)

In the world of film, there are good movies and there are bad movies, and some movies that are so bad that they are good.  The American version of Godzilla is not a bad movie: it is a really, really, really, really, really, really, REALLY awful movie.  Calling this a piece of shit would be an insult to shit, which, quite frankly, is a lot more pleasant than this film.  I still have to see the original Japanese Godzilla (which, by all accounts, is said to be very good) or any of its sequels (which I have heard vary widely in quality), and I instinctively know that I will enjoy them more than I enjoyed this.  Here's your plot: Godzilla comes to New York City and starts tearing up the town.  The military tries to stop him, but they fail (and end up firing AIM-9 Sidewinders into the Chrysler Building, since, ya know, heat-seeking missiles don't track cold-blooded reptile/dinosaur/whatever monsters).  And then we get the big kicker: there are TWO identical monsters - and they're both pregnant.  A submarine kills one of the monsters (yes, I just ruined the movie for you; you're welcome) and some F/A-18s bomb the eggs and then kill the other Godzilla (which got tangled in the Brooklyn Bridge while chasing after a taxi cab).  There, I just ruined the movie for you.  You're welcome.
I almost forgot to mention this, but there are human protagonists too, but if you actually ARE watching this, then you're probably watching it to see Godzilla tear up the Big Apple.
On the bright side, this is not the worst movie I have ever seen.  There, I found something nice to say about it.  Oh, and there was a Saturday morning cartoon that served as a sequel (the F-18s missed one of the eggs, of course).  Said cartoon was much better-received (surprisingly).  Wow, I found two nice things to say about this bloated piece of trash!

10%

Orgazmo

"My doctor says now I have enough silicone in my body to kill a small elephant!  Isn't that cool?"  Calling this film "stupid" would be an insult to stupid people.  Fortunately, in spite of (or perhaps because of) its stupidity, Orgazmo manages to be a devilishly funny, crude, and surprisingly sweet story of devout Mormon Joseph Young who, through his incredible kung fu prowess, lands the lead role in a pornographic film called Orgazmo.  Now, I know what you're thinking: why would a Mormon be in a porno?  The answer: he's offered enough money to get married to his fiancee Lisa.  While filming the porno (which is about a superhero named Orgazmo and his sidekick, Choda Boy), Joe (Trey Parker) forms a friendship with his on-screen sidekick, Ben Chapleski (Dian Bachar), and earns the hatred of a group of local thugs after he and Ben take on their characters' identities as real-life superheros (using a real-life version of Orgazmo's signature weapon, the Orgazmorator) and proceed to attack the thugs.  Oh, did I mention Ben INVENTED the real-life Orgazmorator (the guy's got PhDs in physics and engineering from MIT in Cambridge)?
Possibly the best aspect of this movie is Joe's unwavering devotion to his religious ideals, even though he's going against them to perform in a porno.  In the entire film, he swears only a couple of times (regularly using "heck" and "gosh darn"), and won't have sex with anybody on the set (or off), going so far as to have a body double for his sex scenes!  Trey Parker (the star/director/writer) and Matt Stone (who plays Dave, the lighting guy) seem to have a soft spot for Mormons.  Just look at how the Mormons are treated on Parker and Stone's most famous creation, the popular cartoon South Park (especially in comparison to basically EVERY OTHER RELIGION IN EXISTENCE).  Their upcoming Broadway musical The Book of Mormon seems set to further reinforce their respect of the religion.
The film is available in two versions: a cut, NC-17 version (yup, the NC-17 version is CUT), and an uncut, Unrated version.  Both versions are virtually identical (the Unrated cut is over two minutes longer), and neither one is particularly "explicit" (if you can even call it that - there's barely any nudity, and the sex is far from graphic).

Rating: 80/100

Air Buddies (and all the sequels)

These films all had plots.  If you don't want to drive yourself crazy by trying to follow them, then just ignore the plot.  C'mon, these films are made because of the eye candy: PUPPIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  How can you not love a feature-length movie that consists entirely of Golden Retriever puppies doing cute things?  Did I mention the puppies CAN TALK?  Granted, their mouths don't move when they speak, but does that really matter?  Just watch the puppies.  Oh, and Richard Karn's in at least a couple of 'em (if you're drawing a blank, he's Al on Home Improvement).

Rating: 2/4 (collectively)

Iron Eagle II

The first film in this series was delightfully awful.  This, the first sequel, is nearly as much fun, but is even worse.  Honestly, who the hell thought that making this was a good idea?  If you honestly think that the MiG-29 resembles the F-4 Phantom II, you need help.  Big time.  For God's sake, my mother knew that the airplanes weren't real MiGs, and she knows nothing about airplanes.  Not to mention that the flying scenes are really, really lame and cheap-looking (when hit by a missile, airplanes only splinter apart if they are made of wood; modern fighter jets are not made of wood).  Oh, and they use the same footage of a Kfir (my bad, "MiG-23") "blowing up" every time a plane gets hit (even if it's obviously not a Kfir/MiG-23/who gives a shit).  The acting is even worse here, and the soundtrack pales in comparison to that of its predecessor (which was quite good, actually).  At least the plot was slightly less outlandish than in the first film (which isn't saying much).

Rating: .5/4

Last Tango in Paris

"Go, get the butter." For a movie that some consider pornographic, Last Tango in Paris features a "surprisingly" complex plot, excellent acting, gorgeous cinematography, and an intelligence that most movies (of all genres) even attempt to display.
Paul (Marlon Brando), the American owner of a hotel in Paris, is depressed over the recent suicide of his wife, and attempts to alleviate his grief through a purely sexual relationship with Jeanne (Maria Schneider), the fiance of documentary filmmaker Tom (Jean-Pierre Léaud). With little more than carnal knowledge of each other (initially, the two even agree to withhold their names), Paul and Jeanne begin to fall in love, creating tension between Jeanne and Tom (who is unaware of the affair), as the film reaches its climax (pun intended).
Originally rated X upon its release in the United States, a censored version was released later with an R rating. The uncensored version is the more commonly found one, and is currently rated NC-17. Director Bernardo Bertolucci received an Oscar nomination for Best Director, with Marlon Brando also nominated (Brando had won twice before, in 1954 for On the Waterfront, and in 1972 for The Godfather; he declined his award for the latter, which may very well have hurt his chances at winning for this film during the 1973 ceremony).

Rating: 98/100

Hot Tub Time Machine

"Great white buffalo." This is not The Hangover, nor will it ever come close to being it. However, is still a very entertaining film, and manages to amuse throughout its running time. Filled with toilet and sexual humor (as well as some surprisingly graphic comic violence), this is not a film for the faint of heart (well, at least not for the very faint of heart).
The plot "boils" down to this: three old pals (and the young nephew of one of them) rent a ski cabin for a weekend at a lodge they used to frequent when they were young (in the 1980s). They get in the hot tub to relax and drink beer. All goes well until one of them spills some sort of Russian energy drink (called "Chernobly") into the controls, and they travel back in time to the 80s. Now, they have to find a way to get back to the future...if they weren't so concerned about trying to fix all of their 80s problems.
Look for Chevy Chase and Crispin Glover in minor roles.

Rating: 2.5/4

Fritz the Cat

"Why does a great actor like James Earl Jones always have to play black men?" Advertised with the tagline "He's X-Rated and Animated!," Fritz the Cat was, in fact, the first X-rated animated film upon its release in 1972. However, the film is by no means pornographic - far from it, in fact. Ralph Bakshi's masterpiece seems to have mellowed with age, to the point that it is barely more offensive than South Park (although it is still not child-friendly by any measure). Filled with clever satire, Fritz the Cat is based on the comic series by Robert Crumb, which features the various adventures of the titular anthropomorphic cat, Fritz, a college student in New York City during the late 1960s. Tired of the banality of life at college, Fritz decides to strike out on his own to see the country. Along the way, he has all sorts of various misadventures, including orgies (more hilarious than one would think), run-ins with the police (portrayed, quite literally, as pigs, one of whom is Jewish!), starting a riot in Harlem (which leads to an Air Force bombing raid), and getting involved with domestic terrorists.
Although some of the humor may pass over the heads of Gentile (non-Jewish) viewers, Fritz has aged fairly well, although it does seem a bit dated at times. Still, Fritz the Cat is an excellent film that fans of animation with a sense of humor will adore. Oh, and the soundtrack is AMAZING.

Rating: 3.5/4