Epic Movie

This movie is a piece of shit. DO NOT, under any circumstances, try to watch this while sober; it's just plain bad. Poor acting, poor directing, and a stupid script have never helped anybody. The only nice thing I can say is that it had a couple of funny gags. Alas, they were too brief to help this picture out at all.

Rating: 0/4

The New Guy

"Who's the bitch now?" The word "stupid" does not even begin to describe this movie. Basically, a nerdy, funk rock-loving teenager named Dizzy (DJ Qualls) gets picked on all the time, and eventually suffers an "unfortunate" (to say the least) accident at the hands of an old lady (the librarian). He gets himself expelled and sent to a new school, where he remakes himself into a badass who becomes popular with (and unites) geeks and jocks alike, and gets a hot girlfriend (Eliza Dushku).
Stupid as it may be, The New Guy is quite funny, with some really great performances (especially from Eddie Griffin, as a prison inmate who helps Dizzy), and cameos from, among others, Tony Hawk, Vanilla Ice, and Gene Simmons, as well as another guest whose name I will not mention (it's actually the movies last joke). The soundtrack is also one of the best I have ever heard (as far as contemporary soundtracks go). The funniest bit in the film? Dizzy roasts marshmallows with his father. It's actually pretty good.

Rating: 3/4

The Big Lebowski

"The Dude abides." It has been said that true art is incomprehensible. If that is so, then The Big Lebowski deserves a place next to much of Picasso's work. Ostensibly a comedy, this movie actually has few "laugh out loud" moments, although there are many, many funny quotes to be heard throughout. In fact, The Big Lebowski doesn't even have much of a plot (as such, I will not describe it); it relies on the talents of its actors, writers, and directors to carry it through its running time. Surprisingly, it succeeds. At first glance, the film may seem like it is aimed at the lowest common denominator; as one gets more involved in the film, it becomes apparent that it is actually an incredibly intelligent, witty film that just happens to feature a lot of stoner jokes. Jeff Bridges' role as Jeff "The Dude" Lebowski is hands-down one of the absolute greatest performances in the history of film, while John Goodman is absolutely amazing as Walter Sobchak, Lebowski's bowling partner and psychotic Jewish-convert Vietnam War veteran. Both men should have won Oscars for their roles; they are just that good.
Steve Buscemi, Julianne Moore, Tara Reid, Sam Elliott, and John Turturro also have memorable roles in what may be one of the most intellectually stimulating movies ever made. After the end credits finish, you will be left to ponder your own existence, rugs that bring the room together, and what-have-you. And, for God's sake, DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE ON TELEVISION! Edited-for-TV versions are expurgated and cut so heavily that it is as if the film had been lobotomized, leading to such "memorable" quotes as "This is what happens when you f[ind] a stranger in the A[lps]!"

Rating: 95/100

The Cowboys

"You god-damned, mean, dirty, son-of-a-bitch!" "I wouldn't make it a habit of calling me that, son." I don't like John Wayne. He's just not a great actor. I'm not saying he's bad; I'm just saying he's average. In this movie, however, he just sucks. The film is about an aging cattle herder (Wayne) who recruits a bunch of schoolkids (literally) to help him take his cattle to market. Along the way, they're stalked by bad guys, encounter whores, and get into a gunfight that is just so damn unfair that it makes you want to yell "ENOUGH ALREADY!" I mine as well just tell you now, but Wayne dies. And his death is very, very bloody, and very, very unfair (he gets shot a bunch of times whilst unarmed, and takes the last shot in the back). The rest of the film is even more unremarkable.
On the plus side, Roscoe Lee Browne, Slim Pickens, and Robert Carradine give very good performances. Even so, they can't redeem this awful movie.

Rating: 0.5/4

Gran Torino

"Ever notice how you come across somebody once in a while you shouldn't have fucked with? That's me." A touching, sentimental film, Gran Torino is Clint Eastwood's last film as an actor (unless, of course, he decides to make an unexpected comeback from his director's chair). In the movie, Eastwood plays Walt Kowalski, a bitter, prejudiced old Korean War veteran who lives alone with his dog, his wife just having passed away. When a Hmong family moves in next door, Walt becomes irritated, especially at the attempts of the family's daughter, Sue Lor (Abney Her), to reach out to Walt. After Thao Vang Lor (Bee Vang), Sue's younger brother, attempts to steal Walt's beloved 1972 Gran Torino as part of a gang initiation ritual, Walt reluctantly takes the boy under his wing, teaching him how to be a man (i.e. working, drinking, cursing, etc.) Of course, it then becomes Walt's duty to protect Sue and Thao from danger, particularly from the Hmong street gang run by the family's cousin.
Funny, suspenseful, and very touching, Gran Torino is arguable one of Eastwood's best performances (which is really something, considering Eastwood's reputation as one of the best actors out there). Need proof? Just watch him prepare for his epic showdown with the gang: there can be only one possible interpretation of the sequence, which is enough to bring tears to one's eyes. The ending will leave you openly weeping.

Rating: 4/4

Tropic Thunder

"You never go full retard." I must say, I was pleasantly surprised by the quality of this movie. Initially, upon seeing the posters, I thought that it would be funny, but poorly made and stupid. After seeing the first red-band (i.e. explicit) trailer, I found myself questioning the latter part of my presumption. After seeing the film in the theater, I did a complete about-face: I loved it! Although Robert Downey, Jr. stood a snowball's chance in Hell of receiving the Best Supporting Actor Oscar that he was nominated for (his competition: Heath Ledger as the Joker in The Dark Knight), he certainly stood out in a film that was full of incredible performances.
The plot is relatively simple: action hero (and Panda lover) Tugg Speedman (Ben Stiller), Oscar-winning Australian actor Kirk Lazarus (Downey, Jr.), gross-out comedian (and drug addict) Jeff Portnoy (Jack Black), rapper Alpa Chino (ger the joke?) (Brandon T. Jackson), and Kevin Sandusky (Jay Baruchel) are in Vietnam making a movie about the Vietnam War, directed by inexperienced Briton Damien Cockburn (Steve Coogan). To make a more "authentic" film, Cockburn takes his actors out into the jungles of Vietnam to film. Eventually, Tugg leaves the group and goes solo, getting captured by drug lords. He has no idea what is actually going on, thinking that it's all just part of the movie. The others are left to rescue him. Guess what happens.
Tom Cruise and Nick Nolte are just two of the many supporting cast members who make this film so memorable.

Rating: 3.5/4

The Other Guys

"Did someone call 9-1-holy shit?" Surprisingly good, The Other Guys is an entertaining buddy-cop film in the spirit of Lethal Weapon. You see, most cop movies are about police officers who go out and fight criminals. This one is about police officers who go out and fight criminals... but they're desk jockeys. Detectives Allen Gamble (Will Ferrell) and Terry Hoitz (Mark Wahlberg) are a couple of desk cops for the New York Police Department who suddenly get put in the spotlight after getting in on a case about building permits that turns out to be something much, much bigger. Anyways, Gamble is a very timid, glasses-wearing nerd who seems to attract all the ladies (seriously), and Hoitz has actually had field experience (he once shot Derek Jeter), and is of course a loose cannon (who doesn't always play by the rules). Did I mention that Gamble gets a wooden gun, and has a hot wife (played by the lovely Eva Mendes)?
Also starring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Samuel L. Jackson, Steve Coogan, Michael Keaton, Rob Riggle, and Damon Wayans, Jr., The Other Guys is definitely a winner.

Rating: 3/4