The Muppets

"What's more illegal, Kermit: kidnapping Jack Black, or destroying the Muppet name for good?"  "Kidnapping Jack Black!"  One of the best movies to have come out in recent years, the triumphant return of our favorite furry friends is marked by a hilarious, toe-tapping good time.  Filled with wonderful songs (hearing The Muppets' renditions of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" and "Fuck You" is truly life-changing) and some really great gags (electric fence, anyone?), plus an 80s robot that still thinks that New Coke and Tab are popular (but then again, was New Coke ever popular?), The Muppets is perfect fun for all ages.  Unless you're some weirdo who hates Muppets, then I would advise you to go see this movie ASAP.

Rating: 93/100

"We all agreed, celebrities aren't people."

Spaceballs

"Out of order?  F*ck!  Even in the future nothing works!"  Another gem from Mel Brooks, sci-fi films (especially Star Wars) are relentlessly parodied in what has got to be one of the most quotable movies ever made.  Filled with all sorts of one-liners and innuendos (it's amazing just how much dirty stuff they got away with, even for a PG-rated film), Spaceballs never fails to tickle my funny bone.  Although pretty stupid (okay, incredibly stupid), it's still really good, and features excellent acting (John Candy's portrayal of the elusive Mawg [half-man, half-dog; in other words, its own best friend] is legendary).  Definitely worth a look.

Rating: 86/100

A Man Called Sarge

"Hey fellas!  There's a Jew up here!"  I am almost at a loss for words.  Never before* have I seen a picture so incredibly stupid as this (and I have seen ALL THREE Jackass films), and it is quite likely I will never see one that is quite as dumb.  Don't even bother with this piece of crap.

Rating: 20/100

*Okay, rarely.

Angus

"Screw 'em."  Finally, a movie that actually depicts what high school really is like.  The story of an overweight football player and perpetual loser, Angus really hits home for this freshman college student (even though I'm much thinner and terrible at football).  When Angus Bethune is "elected" as king of his school's freshman winter ball (with his longtime crush being the queen), it's up to Angus, his grandfather (George C. Scott), and Angus's best friend Troy to improve Angus's image before the big day arrives.  Frequently funny and very touching, this is definitely a treat for all ages.

 Rating: 95/100

"I'm still here, asshole."

The Last Detail

"I am the motherf*cking shore patrol, motherf*cker! I am the motherf*cking shore patrol!" Wonderful acting, a compelling story and script, excellent cinematography, a lively, flute-driven score, and authentic (read: profane) military language, The Last Detail is absolutely breathtaking. Jack Nicholson takes center stage here, giving a performance that is exceptional even by his own standards (the man has several Oscars to his credit, all for acting). Otis Young and Randy Quaid round out the principal cast in this tale of two sailors (Nicholson and Young) assigned to escort a very young sailor (Quaid) who has been convicted of stealing money ($40, to be exact) and has been sentenced to eight years in military prison. The film details the adventures the trio have on their way to the military prison in Kansas.

93/100

30 Minutes or Less

"Sometimes fate pulls out its big ol' cock and slaps you right in the face."  Mildly dumb, but fairly entertaining story of a guy who has a FREAKING BOMB STRAPPED TO HIS CHEST and is forced to rob a bank.  Did I mention the FREAKING BOMB STRAPPED TO HIS CHEST?  Loosely (very loosely) based on a real-life incident, the movie gets most of its humor from the fact that two guys are trying to rob a bank without any prior experience, and the fact that the idiots who forced them to do this are, well, idiots.  Not much else to say about this one.

Rating: 72/100

The Spongebob Squarepants Movie

"Oh no!  This is terrible!  Who will sign my paychecks?"  Pretty much everyone who knows me knows that I am a HUGE fan of Spongebob.  As such, I may be somewhat biased in reviewing his feature-film debut, but I really don't give a rat's ass about my own biases.  Anywhoo, Plankton has tried every plan, all the way from A to Y, to steal the formula for the Krabby Patty, and as such is out - wait, what's this?  There's another letter in the alphabet?  Z?!?!?  Well, you get the picture.  And this plan is waaayyy more elaborate than anything that's come before - this time, Mr. Krabs could DIE.  Deliriously funny, with humor that is aimed (as in the show itself) more towards adults than towards its young target audience, the movie is definitely a treat for anyone who loves the show (and even for those who don't).

Rating: 80/100

Crazy, Stupid, Love.

A little crazy, but far from stupid, Crazy, Stupid, Love. is a funny, sweet romantic-comedy that just seems to work somehow.  I think the cast might be the cause of this, with exceptional performances given by all major players.  Now, where was I?  Oh yeah, the story: it starts off when Cal Weaver (Steve Carell) learns his wife Emily (Julianne Moore) has been cheating on him with her coworker, David Lindhagen (Kevin Bacon).  Having only been with one woman his entire life, Weaver is clueless as to how to find love again in his middle age.  Successful womanizer Jacob Palmer (Ryan Gosling) sets out to change this, helping Cal become confident enough to take women to bed.  Still, Cal can't seem to stop loving Emily, and it looks like she may still be in love with him.
Perfect for men and women alike, Crazy, Stupid, Love. will find a way into your heart (unless you're some sort of a weird, heartless douchebag.  Then you won't like it).

Rating: 88/100

The Naked Gun

"Just think; next time I shoot someone, I could be arrested."  Another classic from the Zucker, Abraham, and Zucker, The Naked Gun is sort of a spiritual successor to Airplane!  This time, Leslie Nielsen plays bungling cop Frank Drebin, who is on a mission to protect Queen Elizabeth II from an assassination plot.  Full of the same slapstick humor that makes the Stooges so much fun to watch, The Naked Gun was based off the short-lived television show Police Squad!  Just as funny as Airplane!, The Naked Gun is, in some ways, an even better film, with virtually the entire running time (just shy of an hour and a half) being packed with gags and pratfalls, many of which will give you a case of the giggles (at the very least).  Featuring an excellent supporting cast including O.J. Simpson, Priscilla Presley, George Kennedy, and Ricardo Montalban, this film strikes me as being one that would hold up well to repeat viewings.

Rating: 95/100

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 2

"Not my daughter, you bitch!"  I remember when the first Harry Potter film came out in 2001.  I was so excited, being a big fan of the books, and I remember how I loved the first two films in the series.  Then, for whatever reason, I stopped going to the movies, viewing the books as sufficient.  After seeing this emotional conclusion, I have come to regret my decision.  Every bit as epic as the book (perhaps even more so), it is amazing just how much the actors and actresses have grown up from mere children to fully-fledged adults.  If you loved the book(s), you will absolutely LOVE the movie.  I must admit, I cried quite a bit as waves of nostalgia swept over me.  Bring some tissues, because you are gonna need 'em.

Rating: 82/100

Friends with Benefits

An adorable little romantic comedy, Friends with Benefits chronicles the lives of two emotionally-damaged (via relationships) people, Dylan (Justin Timberlake) and Jamie (Mila Kunis), who become best friends and decide to have sex together.  Obviously, humping your best friend won't create any sort of complications whatsoever, right?  Wrong.  It turns out that you run several risks, including falling in love, or worse - falling in love without realizing it.  Highly entertaining, this movie is guaranteed to bring a smile to your face, no matter how your day is going.  Charming, funny, and even somewhat sexy, Friends with Benefits benefits from a terrific cast, which includes Woody Harrelson in the small (but hilarious) role of Tommy, a gay sports writer for GQ (where Dylan works), and Shaun White, who appears as himself.  Jason Segel also makes a funny cameo in a movie within the movie.

Rating: 92/100

Dodgeball

"If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball."  Hilarious, highly-quotable, and sometimes heartwarming story of the gym known as Average Joe's.  Owner Peter La Fleur (Vince Vaughn) can't quite pay the rent, and he's in danger of losing his beloved gym to the large Globogym, run by the insane White Goodman (Ben Stiller, in what must be one of his best roles ever).  To come up with the money, La Fleur and the oddball members of his gym form a dodgeball team in order to win prize money in an upcoming tournament (in which they will have to face Globogym's fierce team).  With the help of a woman known as Kate Veatch (Christine Taylor) and aging former dodgeball champ Patches O'Houlihan (Rip Torn, who gets some of the best lines in the film), the group sets out to save Average Joe's from destruction.  Full of sight gags and one-liners, celebrity cameos (notably Lance Armstrong and Chuck Norris), and brilliant acting (from Vaughn's subtle, almost fatherly portrayal of La Fleur to Stiller's completely batsh*t crazy performance as Goodman), Dodgeball is one of my favorite movies of all time.

Rating: 94/100

Horrible Bosses

"Why would you put his whole bathroom in your ass?"  Hilarious film about three men (Jason Bateman, Charlie Day, and Jason Sudeikis) who, simply put, want their bosses gone.  Permanently.  You see, these bosses are not ordinary people, but are terrible, terrible assholes who make life a living Hell for their employees.  To off their bosses, the three hire a hit-man (Jamie Foxx) to help them do the job.  Instead, he becomes their "murder consultant," as the men decide to off each other's bosses.  What really makes this movie great is the cast (which also includes Kevin Spacey, Colin Farrell, and, in a brilliant role, Jennifer Aniston), with a brief appearance by Donald Sutherland to top it all off.  The story seems rather fresh, and the gags aren't overly crude (my favorite is the "spilled cocaine" scene).  This is a must-see for everyone, especially people who, unlike me, hate their bosses.

Rating: 86/100

Bad Teacher

"Hold my ball sack."  Moderately amusing, albeit not completely intriguing film about a woman (Cameron Diaz) who wants what every girl wants: to be taken care of by a rich husband.  To pass the time, she becomes a middle school teacher.  Of course, she doesn't care about the job, only about getting surgery to make her breasts larger, and uses every dirty trick in the book (and then some) to get her way.  A likable cast (including Justin Timberlake and Jason Segel in excellent supporting roles) can't save this movie from being more than a few cheap laughs at the expense of one bitch or another (seriously, the women in this movie are incredible bitches).  This would be a good movie to watch if you have absolutely nothing better to do.  Still, it is charming in its own way, but it will never be more than a simple comedy.

Rating: 63/100

Just Go with It

"You know, I gotta say, last night, with the coconut in the ass, kind of a red flag." Sweet, and (surprisingly) charming romantic comedy, Just Go with It is a remake of the 1969 film Cactus Flower (which I have yet to see). Simply put, plastic surgeon Danny Maccabee (Adam Sandler, naturally) wants to woo totally gorgeous math teacher Palmer Dodge (played by one of my favorite supermodels, the voluptuous Brooklyn Decker), so he asks his assistant, divorced mother of two Katherine Murphy (Jennifer Aniston) to pose as his soon-to-be ex-wife (and her kids to pose as his kids) after Dodge discovers his wedding ring (a holdover from a cancelled marriage many years earlier). The plot really kicks off after the group (accompanied by Danny's cousin Eddie, posing as Murphy's lover) head to Hawaii for a vacation, leading to all sorts of mayhem (albeit a slightly more subtle mayhem than one would normally find in an Adam Sandler film), as everyone attempts to avoid blowing their cover. Surprisingly good, I really think this movie is a lot better than the (professional) critics have given it credit for (I personally think Adam Sandler is a good actor, albeit one who is always cast in average movies). Great fun, this seems like a good movie for date night.


Rating: 75/100

Zombieland

"Time to nut up or shut up."  Who would have thought that a straight-up horror flick could be a great comedy as well?  Zombieland is the story of a boy, a man, and two girls who try to survive against a horde of (surprisingly fast) zombies.  As they travel through a land littered with corpses, zombies, wreckage, abandoned autos (and the occasional tank, showing you just how bad things were), they come to learn to work together and (especially for the girls) trust each other, even if they piss each other off (royally).  Featuring some pretty awesome kills (solo "dueling banjo" and "Zombie Kill of the Week," anyone?), Bill Murray (see for yourself, why don't you?), useful tips for surviving the zombie apocalypse and a sh*tload of gore, Zombieland is pretty freakin' awesome.

Rating: 90/100

"Thank God for rednecks!"

Flight of the Intruder

"Seven hundred bucks damage, thirty men in the brig and... an alligator injured. And you got away?" Based on an excellent novel by former naval aviator Stephen Coonts, Flight of the Intruder is a mediocre film that features a mixed bag of actors, painfully obvious special effects (just look at the tracer rounds in the attack on Hanoi), and a depressing ending that did not feature in the source novel. Willem Dafoe, Danny Glover, and Brad Johnson give respectable performances, but they can't keep this movie afloat (pun intended). The only reason I consider it "great" is because it's just so awful that it's fairly entertaining (thanks to camp value).

Rating: 40/100

Wizards

"They've killed Fritz!"  Made by animation master Ralph Bakshi, this violent, bleak, but witty film is absolutely delightful to watch.  Not a good family movie (in spite of the PG rating), this is meant mostly for teenagers and adults, and for good reason: the plot involves good wizards and fairies using magic to fight against an evil wizard who had requisitioned old war machines long after a nuclear war wiped out humanity.  Of course, the evil wizard is the brother of Avatar, a wisecracking, hard-drinking, but ultimately good wizard.  The villains are clearly based on the Nazis (the bad guy even finds and uses an old Nazi propaganda film, and is referred to as the Fuhrer, among other references to Hitler's Germany), while the heroes are a ragtag bunch consisting of Avatar, the daughter of the murdered president, a warrior, and one of the evil robots (who has been turned good by Avatar).  The ending is simply awesome, to say the least.  Much of the battle footage was taken from war films and traced over, resulting in very psychedelic combat scenes that add an extra depth to this cheaply-animated film.  Listen closely for Mark Hamill's voice (his last name is misspelled in the credits though).

Rating: 90/100

Iron Eagle

This movie is terrible.   I recommend it profusely, because it is one of those movies that is just so bad that it's good.   The special effects are crappy, the plot is stupid and boring, and most (but not all) of the acting is second-rate.  It's good, campy fun, and Louis Gossett Jr. gives a good performance, which helps carry this movie (as does a kick-ass soundtrack).  Plus, it's about a 16-year-old stealing and F-16 to rescue his father (who was shot down over the Middle East), so it does get amusing at times.  There are 3 sequels, all of which are just as bad.

Rating: 30/100

Transformers: Dark of the Moon

"I love this car."  The grand finale of the Transformers live-action trilogy, Dark of the Moon is also the greatest.  Having (at the time of writing) just arrived home from the theater, I can say that it was well worth the wait.  Many summer blockbusters have explosions, with clever jokes interwoven with the action, but few have the heart that the Transformers films have.  Marking the triumphant return of Leonard Nimoy to the series (after a 25 year absence), Dark of the Moon is significantly darker and more brutal than its predecessors, with a much meatier plot to boot.  If you look past all the explosions and inappropriate jokes (believe me, there are a few), you'll find a movie that can really hold its own.  A Battleship Potemkin, it is not.  It is, however, an excellent crowd-pleaser, which, if you really think about it, is what many of our most beloved movies really are (here's lookin' at you, Casablanca).

Rating: 85/100

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

"You picked the wrong planet!  GIVE ME YOUR FACE!"  If you loved the first film, you'll probably love this one, too.  If you hated it, there's no way you're gonna like this one.  Basically, Megatron is revived, and the Decepticons launch another attack on Earth.  Like the first one, this one alternates between giddy humor and violent robot action with lots of explosions (or both at the same time).  Not much substance, but it's still pretty good (albeit not as good as the first one).  Oh, and Frank Welker returns as Soundwave.  Yeah, that's pretty much it.  And the quote?  The most EPIC SCENE IN THE MOVIE.

Rating: 81/100

Stepbrothers

"Shut your mouth.  Sh-sh-shut your mouth."  Priceless film about two boys (actually, grown men, but that's a minor detail, no?) who live at home with their single parent until (you guessed it) mom and dad meet, have sex, fall in love, and get married (hence the film's title).  What's so engaging about the film is how Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly manage to confuse you as to their age - at times, you forget that these men are 40, and believe that they are actually 7 or 8 - or younger!  Hell, these guys get bullied by LITTLE KIDS.  Not that they don't completely deserve it - both men are really very sweet individuals - but for much of the film, they act like little asshole toddlers (like the ones that always run wild in stores or airplanes while their parents sit around, not giving a rat's ass what their little runt is doing).  But I digress.
Destined to become a cult classic (much like Spinal Tap or Monty Python and the Holy Grail), Stepbrothers is extremely entertaining, and what it lacks in refinement, it makes up for in comedy.  Just don't attempt to convert your beds into bunk beds.

Rating: 92/100

The Hangover Part II

"It happened again."  Assume, for a moment, that aliens are coming to Earth (if they are not already here).  Now, assume that, if the human race displays great enough intelligence, they will leave our planet in peace, but, if we are idiots, they will destroy us.  Let us hope that their first impression of our race is NOT The Hangover Part II.  Honestly, no one is so frigging stupid that you get so smashed as to lose your friend the day before a wedding AGAIN, right?  Well, apparently our heroes are just that stupid/irresponsible.  This time around, though, Doug is safe.  It's Stu's (soon-to-be) brother-in-law, Teddy, who has gone missing, and the wolf pack must now find him before the wedding.  Did I mention that they lost him in Bangkok, Thailand (which is a VERY large city)?  Yeah, they really screwed the pooch, even worse than last time.  This time, though, there is a monkey, a car chase, and... some other stuff.  Really, really messed up stuff.
Although almost as funny as the first film, The Hangover Part II is basically the same thing recycled in Thailand. If you liked the first film, then you'll love this installment.  If you didn't like numero uno, then you will most definitely HATE this sequel.

Rating: 73/100

The Green Berets

"Brother, this trip is gonna make LSD feel like aspirin!"  Made at the height of the Vietnam War (at a point when public opinion was beginning to turn firmly against the war), The Green Berets gained great controversy for its support of American involvement, as well as its portrayal of competent South Vietnamese soldiers.*  Partially directed by (and starring) John Wayne (who was a steadfast supporter of the war), the film is less inflammatory today, seeing as how the conflict has been over for many years (although one could still imagine that many veterans would probably be upset over the film's content even to this day).  Neither particularly good nor particularly bad, The Green Berets is a decent war film, and an above-average action film (with some surprising martial arts action).  Co-starring Jim Hutton, Aldo Ray, George Takei, and David Janssen, the film deals with a group of American special ops soldiers (nicknamed "Green Berets" for the hats they wear) in Vietnam tackling several missions, including defending a camp and capturing an enemy general.  Extremely violent for its rating (G), the film is quite tame compared to the war films of today (blood squibs are used only in one scene, and deaths mostly involve just falling over with a Wilhelm Scream), not to mention films that would come a year later (such as The Wild Bunch) or even that same year (Bullitt).
Again, this is neither a good film nor a bad film - it's just average.  Makes for a great late-night film when you can't sleep, but otherwise offers little else in the way of high-quality entertainment or art.

Rating: 68/100
*In general, the Army of the Republic of Vietnam (ARVN, or South Vietnamese Army) was poorly trained and cowardly (at least compared to American, South Korean, and Australian counterparts), and was the butt of many jokes.  However, many individual soldiers and units showed great skill and courage on the battlefield,  although there were not enough of these men to stop South Vietnam from being overrun by the Communist North Vietnamese in 1975.

Toy Story

"To infinity, and beyond!"  If you need me to tell you the plot, then you've had an even more deprived childhood than Michael Jackson.  This used to be my absolute favorite movie, and still is one of the best that I've ever seen.  The first film in one of the greatest series in cinematic history, Toy Story is just one of those movies that you MUST see to believe.  The computer graphics are gorgeous, the story is intriguing, and the characters are absolutely magical.

Rating: 4/4

Felidae

"I'm not blind.  I just can't see."  This is what you get when you combine Sherlock Holmes with cats.  Francis, a tomcat, has just moved with his master (or "can-opener) into a new neighborhood.  Almost immediately, Francis is greeted by the corpse of another cat, who has been murdered.  Local tomcat Bluebeard believes that the "can-openers" are responsible, but Francis thinks that it was another cat who committed the atrocity.  As the two set off to solve the mystery, they come across many other murdered cats, each killed in ways more gruesome than the previous victim (eventually culminating in the murder of a pregnant cat, whose unborn kittens are strewn around her).  Interestingly, all the victims seem to have one thing in common (at least for the males): each was sexually aroused at the time of their murder - a clue which will have great importance later on.
Probably the most demented animated film ever made (it makes South Park look like kids' stuff), Felidae is a masterpiece of German animation, and, while by no means perfect, is still very well-made.

Rating: 3.5/4

Transformers

"Freedom is the right of all sentient beings."  Twenty years after the end of the original cartoon, Michael Bay updated the Transformers franchise with a big-screen, live-action adaptation, and by God, it is epic.  There are tons of explosions, Peter Cullen is back as Optimus Prime, there are tons of explosions, there are a number of great jokes, tons of explosions (I feel like I already mentioned this), giant robots, explosions, battle scenes, explosions, a love story, and, of course, explosions (it's a Michael Bay film, after all; I for one cannot wait to see Michael Bay Presents: Bambi).
What's that?  You wanted a plot description?  Sorry, I almost forgot after all of those damn explosions.  Anyways, the Autobots and Decepticons (for those of you who don't know, the former are the good guys) have (as usual) come to Earth to continue the war that they have waged for years on their home planet of Cybertron.  Their mission: to find the powerful Allspark (which controls all life on Cybertron) before the other side.  To find it, they must first obtain vital clues from young Sam Witwicky, an average high school student who has no idea what he is about to get himself into.  OK, there's the plot description.  Are you happy?

Rating: 3.5/4

Tropic of Cancer

"Yes, he knows how to build a fire, but I know how to inflame a c--t."  A product of loosening sexual mores during the late 1960s and early 1970s, Tropic of Cancer is based on Henry Miller's controversial, highly-praised classic novel that was originally published in the 1930s.  This adaptation moves the story's setting to the 1960s, but the concept remains the same: an American writer living in France looks for work and finds sexual encounters with a variety of women.  In spite of the quantity of sex to be had in both film and book, neither is pornographic.  The film, however, while engrossing, fails to be anything more than mildly entertaining.  The acting is emotionless, the film's structure is very loose and (at the beginning) difficult to follow, and the voice overs tend to be rather annoying and poorly done.  This is by no means a bad film, but it fails to live up to later films such as Last Tango in Paris, and is simply an exercise in futility.
Released in late February of 1970, this film became the very first to use the c-word (beating The Boys in the Band by nearly a month, Quiet Days in Clichy by several, and Carnal Knowledge by a year).

Rating: 2/4

Saving Private Ryan

"Earn this."  Considered by many to be the greatest war movie ever made (or that ever WILL be made, for that matter), Saving Private Ryan opens with a bang - an orgy of graphic, horrific violence that was known as Omaha Beach.  There, American soldiers fought against well-entrenched German forces to secure a beachhead to help with the invasion of France (other Americans, Brits, and Canadians took the other four beachheads) on June 6, 1944 - a.k.a. "D-Day."*  The frighteningly realistic (according to a number of actual vets) invasion soon gives way to a somewhat more traditional war story - a family has lost all but one of its sons in combat, and the sole survivor (if he is even alive) is missing, being a paratrooper in France.  U.S. Army Ranger Captain Miller (Tom Hanks) and his squad - including a religious sniper, a darkly humorous BAR** gunner, a nervous desk worker, and others - are assigned to locate this man - Private James Ryan (Matt Damon).  Often tense, frequently gory, and always grossly engaging (pun intended), Saving Private Ryan is an excellent film that everyone should make an effort to see.  Although it has lost some of the luster that surrounded it for quite some time after its release, Saving Private Ryan is still a powerful film.

Rating: 4/4

*There were actually many "D-Days" throughout the war.
**Browning Automatic Rifle

Kick-Ass

"How do I get a hold of you?"  "You just contact the mayor's office.  He has a special signal he shines in the sky; it's in the shape of a giant cock."  Hilarious?  Yes.  Violent?  Yes.  Excellent?  Oh yes!  Kick-Ass features a teenager who literally decides to become a superhero.  For those of you who think this sounds familiar, it is: Batman did the same thing.  The big difference is Batman had lots of handy skills and gadgets he could use in lieu of superpowers.  Kick-Ass (as the titular hero is known) has only a costume and a will of steel.  Our young hero provides inspiration to others, including a bizarre ex-cop (Nicholas Cage), who transforms himself (and his 11-year-old daughter, who is actually really badass) into Batman-like heroes (heck, Cage's hero even looks like Batman).  Together, this trio must work to stop crime in the city, led by a ruthless mob boss and his teenage son.

Rating: 3.5/4

The Transformers: The Movie

I really hate how much hate this movie gets.  Even if you aren't as big a fan of The Transformers as I am (by which I mean the original, 1980s cartoon), this movie should at least be somewhat palatable.  For fans such as myself, though, this movie is EPIC, not to mention a little heartbreaking (spoiler: a ton of characters from the first two seasons are killed off, including Optimus Prime).

With a top-notch cast including series regulars Peter Cullen, Frank Welker, Scatman Crothers, and Casey Kasem, in addition to guests Leonard Nimoy, Eric Idle, and even Orson Welles, an 80s soundtrack featuring Stan Bush and Weird Al, and gorgeous visuals, this is definitely a real treat for fans.  Hell, this was my first exposure to the original series (I jumped in as a kid when Robots in Disguise was on in the early 2000s), and I absolutely LOVED it.

Memorable Moments:
-The Decepticons shooting to kill... and actually succeeding.
-The entire Battle for Autobot City.
-Springer.  Just, Springer.  He's a helicopter AND a car, AND he's a total badass, AND he spouts awesome one-liners (the greatest being "I've got better things to do tonight than die!")
-"One shall stand, one shall fall."  Even more awesome: it comes directly after Optimus's (literal) "power drive," where he plows through a bunch of Decepticons before facing Megatron.
-"It wasn't even dented!  Oh shit, what're we gonna do now?"  The most hilarious thing about this line was that HASBRO (i.e. the guys who make the toys) requested that this line be added so that the movie would definitely get a PG rating, thus ensuring that parents would be more inclined to accompany their children to the film (and would thus know which toys to buy their kids).  I guess the high body count wasn't enough to ensure the higher rating.

Rating: 90/100 (for pure cheesy goodness)

Iron Eagle on the Attack

The final film in the Iron Eagle series, this one is extremely good - compared to the other two sequels, at least.  The plot is (somewhat) less outrageous, and most of the actors are at least palatable.  Even so, the movie is still pretty stupid, and is not as good as the first film (which was actually even stupider).  There's less action here than the other three films, but that has the added benefit of reducing the number of painful, poorly executed special effects shots that plagued its predecessors.  Even better, this is the final film in the series, so the series ends on a (relatively) high note.

Rating: 1/4

Run of the Arrow

"I coulda been a chief."  "Oh yeah?  How come you're not a chief now?"  "Eh, I got no stomach for politics."  A rarely-seen effort by Samuel Fuller, Run of the Arrow is far from your standard western.  After firing the last shot of the Civil War, Confederate soldier O'Meara (Rod Steiger, brilliantly combining Southern and Irish accents) heads west to make a new life for himself.  Along the way, he gets captured by a Native American tribe, who threaten to kill him unless he can complete the "Run of the Arrow" - an extremely difficult task, to say the least.  Of course, our hero is successful, and he is allowed to become a full member of the tribe.  When a group of soldiers (led by the man who Steiger shot at the beginning of the film) wage war on the Sioux, O'Meara must choose between his old life and his new life.
This is often cited as the first film to use squibs to simulate bullet impacts (a squib is a very small explosive which is often worn by actors to simulate bullet wounds).  At the end of the film, a single squib is used to simulate a headshot, complete with fake blood splashing from the wound.  However, the Polish film Pokolenie apparently used a squib and fake blood in 1955, two years before Run of the Arrow.
Look for badass Charles Bronson as one of the Sioux!

Rating: 3/4

Aces: Iron Eagle III

I believe that, if you make a crappy movie, you probably shouldn't make a sequel.  If you do make a sequel, then it had BETTER be better than the original.  If it's worse, then you probably shouldn't make any more movies for the rest of your life.  Iron Eagle was so bad that it was good.  Iron Eagle II was even worse, but was good in a really cheesy, awful way.  Aces: Iron Eagle III should never have been made.  The worst film of the four (yes, the idiots in charge made FOUR), Louis Gossett, Jr. is unable to make this movie make much sense whatsoever.  Even Sonny Chiba can't save this movie (although he does give a slightly above average performance).  This movie, however, did grow on me, sort of like cancer cells (although cancer cells multiply rather than grow, and I actually would rather have cancer than be forced to watch this movie).  I'll probably watch it again, since it is sort of fascinating (in a horrific, car-crash-by-the-side-of-the-road way).  The plot is inconsequential, and is simply an excuse to show off old World War II warbirds (including a P-38, a Spitfire, a Zero, and a Bf 109) instead of the series' standard F-16s and "MiGs"/Kfirs/F-4s.  At least the flying scenes are relatively decent.

Rating: 0.0001/4

Godzilla (1998)

In the world of film, there are good movies and there are bad movies, and some movies that are so bad that they are good.  The American version of Godzilla is not a bad movie: it is a really, really, really, really, really, really, REALLY awful movie.  Calling this a piece of shit would be an insult to shit, which, quite frankly, is a lot more pleasant than this film.  I still have to see the original Japanese Godzilla (which, by all accounts, is said to be very good) or any of its sequels (which I have heard vary widely in quality), and I instinctively know that I will enjoy them more than I enjoyed this.  Here's your plot: Godzilla comes to New York City and starts tearing up the town.  The military tries to stop him, but they fail (and end up firing AIM-9 Sidewinders into the Chrysler Building, since, ya know, heat-seeking missiles don't track cold-blooded reptile/dinosaur/whatever monsters).  And then we get the big kicker: there are TWO identical monsters - and they're both pregnant.  A submarine kills one of the monsters (yes, I just ruined the movie for you; you're welcome) and some F/A-18s bomb the eggs and then kill the other Godzilla (which got tangled in the Brooklyn Bridge while chasing after a taxi cab).  There, I just ruined the movie for you.  You're welcome.
I almost forgot to mention this, but there are human protagonists too, but if you actually ARE watching this, then you're probably watching it to see Godzilla tear up the Big Apple.
On the bright side, this is not the worst movie I have ever seen.  There, I found something nice to say about it.  Oh, and there was a Saturday morning cartoon that served as a sequel (the F-18s missed one of the eggs, of course).  Said cartoon was much better-received (surprisingly).  Wow, I found two nice things to say about this bloated piece of trash!

10%

Orgazmo

"My doctor says now I have enough silicone in my body to kill a small elephant!  Isn't that cool?"  Calling this film "stupid" would be an insult to stupid people.  Fortunately, in spite of (or perhaps because of) its stupidity, Orgazmo manages to be a devilishly funny, crude, and surprisingly sweet story of devout Mormon Joseph Young who, through his incredible kung fu prowess, lands the lead role in a pornographic film called Orgazmo.  Now, I know what you're thinking: why would a Mormon be in a porno?  The answer: he's offered enough money to get married to his fiancee Lisa.  While filming the porno (which is about a superhero named Orgazmo and his sidekick, Choda Boy), Joe (Trey Parker) forms a friendship with his on-screen sidekick, Ben Chapleski (Dian Bachar), and earns the hatred of a group of local thugs after he and Ben take on their characters' identities as real-life superheros (using a real-life version of Orgazmo's signature weapon, the Orgazmorator) and proceed to attack the thugs.  Oh, did I mention Ben INVENTED the real-life Orgazmorator (the guy's got PhDs in physics and engineering from MIT in Cambridge)?
Possibly the best aspect of this movie is Joe's unwavering devotion to his religious ideals, even though he's going against them to perform in a porno.  In the entire film, he swears only a couple of times (regularly using "heck" and "gosh darn"), and won't have sex with anybody on the set (or off), going so far as to have a body double for his sex scenes!  Trey Parker (the star/director/writer) and Matt Stone (who plays Dave, the lighting guy) seem to have a soft spot for Mormons.  Just look at how the Mormons are treated on Parker and Stone's most famous creation, the popular cartoon South Park (especially in comparison to basically EVERY OTHER RELIGION IN EXISTENCE).  Their upcoming Broadway musical The Book of Mormon seems set to further reinforce their respect of the religion.
The film is available in two versions: a cut, NC-17 version (yup, the NC-17 version is CUT), and an uncut, Unrated version.  Both versions are virtually identical (the Unrated cut is over two minutes longer), and neither one is particularly "explicit" (if you can even call it that - there's barely any nudity, and the sex is far from graphic).

Rating: 80/100

Air Buddies (and all the sequels)

These films all had plots.  If you don't want to drive yourself crazy by trying to follow them, then just ignore the plot.  C'mon, these films are made because of the eye candy: PUPPIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  How can you not love a feature-length movie that consists entirely of Golden Retriever puppies doing cute things?  Did I mention the puppies CAN TALK?  Granted, their mouths don't move when they speak, but does that really matter?  Just watch the puppies.  Oh, and Richard Karn's in at least a couple of 'em (if you're drawing a blank, he's Al on Home Improvement).

Rating: 2/4 (collectively)

Iron Eagle II

The first film in this series was delightfully awful.  This, the first sequel, is nearly as much fun, but is even worse.  Honestly, who the hell thought that making this was a good idea?  If you honestly think that the MiG-29 resembles the F-4 Phantom II, you need help.  Big time.  For God's sake, my mother knew that the airplanes weren't real MiGs, and she knows nothing about airplanes.  Not to mention that the flying scenes are really, really lame and cheap-looking (when hit by a missile, airplanes only splinter apart if they are made of wood; modern fighter jets are not made of wood).  Oh, and they use the same footage of a Kfir (my bad, "MiG-23") "blowing up" every time a plane gets hit (even if it's obviously not a Kfir/MiG-23/who gives a shit).  The acting is even worse here, and the soundtrack pales in comparison to that of its predecessor (which was quite good, actually).  At least the plot was slightly less outlandish than in the first film (which isn't saying much).

Rating: .5/4

Last Tango in Paris

"Go, get the butter." For a movie that some consider pornographic, Last Tango in Paris features a "surprisingly" complex plot, excellent acting, gorgeous cinematography, and an intelligence that most movies (of all genres) even attempt to display.
Paul (Marlon Brando), the American owner of a hotel in Paris, is depressed over the recent suicide of his wife, and attempts to alleviate his grief through a purely sexual relationship with Jeanne (Maria Schneider), the fiance of documentary filmmaker Tom (Jean-Pierre Léaud). With little more than carnal knowledge of each other (initially, the two even agree to withhold their names), Paul and Jeanne begin to fall in love, creating tension between Jeanne and Tom (who is unaware of the affair), as the film reaches its climax (pun intended).
Originally rated X upon its release in the United States, a censored version was released later with an R rating. The uncensored version is the more commonly found one, and is currently rated NC-17. Director Bernardo Bertolucci received an Oscar nomination for Best Director, with Marlon Brando also nominated (Brando had won twice before, in 1954 for On the Waterfront, and in 1972 for The Godfather; he declined his award for the latter, which may very well have hurt his chances at winning for this film during the 1973 ceremony).

Rating: 98/100

Hot Tub Time Machine

"Great white buffalo." This is not The Hangover, nor will it ever come close to being it. However, is still a very entertaining film, and manages to amuse throughout its running time. Filled with toilet and sexual humor (as well as some surprisingly graphic comic violence), this is not a film for the faint of heart (well, at least not for the very faint of heart).
The plot "boils" down to this: three old pals (and the young nephew of one of them) rent a ski cabin for a weekend at a lodge they used to frequent when they were young (in the 1980s). They get in the hot tub to relax and drink beer. All goes well until one of them spills some sort of Russian energy drink (called "Chernobly") into the controls, and they travel back in time to the 80s. Now, they have to find a way to get back to the future...if they weren't so concerned about trying to fix all of their 80s problems.
Look for Chevy Chase and Crispin Glover in minor roles.

Rating: 2.5/4

Fritz the Cat

"Why does a great actor like James Earl Jones always have to play black men?" Advertised with the tagline "He's X-Rated and Animated!," Fritz the Cat was, in fact, the first X-rated animated film upon its release in 1972. However, the film is by no means pornographic - far from it, in fact. Ralph Bakshi's masterpiece seems to have mellowed with age, to the point that it is barely more offensive than South Park (although it is still not child-friendly by any measure). Filled with clever satire, Fritz the Cat is based on the comic series by Robert Crumb, which features the various adventures of the titular anthropomorphic cat, Fritz, a college student in New York City during the late 1960s. Tired of the banality of life at college, Fritz decides to strike out on his own to see the country. Along the way, he has all sorts of various misadventures, including orgies (more hilarious than one would think), run-ins with the police (portrayed, quite literally, as pigs, one of whom is Jewish!), starting a riot in Harlem (which leads to an Air Force bombing raid), and getting involved with domestic terrorists.
Although some of the humor may pass over the heads of Gentile (non-Jewish) viewers, Fritz has aged fairly well, although it does seem a bit dated at times. Still, Fritz the Cat is an excellent film that fans of animation with a sense of humor will adore. Oh, and the soundtrack is AMAZING.

Rating: 3.5/4