Toy Story

"To infinity, and beyond!"  If you need me to tell you the plot, then you've had an even more deprived childhood than Michael Jackson.  This used to be my absolute favorite movie, and still is one of the best that I've ever seen.  The first film in one of the greatest series in cinematic history, Toy Story is just one of those movies that you MUST see to believe.  The computer graphics are gorgeous, the story is intriguing, and the characters are absolutely magical.

Rating: 4/4

Felidae

"I'm not blind.  I just can't see."  This is what you get when you combine Sherlock Holmes with cats.  Francis, a tomcat, has just moved with his master (or "can-opener) into a new neighborhood.  Almost immediately, Francis is greeted by the corpse of another cat, who has been murdered.  Local tomcat Bluebeard believes that the "can-openers" are responsible, but Francis thinks that it was another cat who committed the atrocity.  As the two set off to solve the mystery, they come across many other murdered cats, each killed in ways more gruesome than the previous victim (eventually culminating in the murder of a pregnant cat, whose unborn kittens are strewn around her).  Interestingly, all the victims seem to have one thing in common (at least for the males): each was sexually aroused at the time of their murder - a clue which will have great importance later on.
Probably the most demented animated film ever made (it makes South Park look like kids' stuff), Felidae is a masterpiece of German animation, and, while by no means perfect, is still very well-made.

Rating: 3.5/4

Transformers

"Freedom is the right of all sentient beings."  Twenty years after the end of the original cartoon, Michael Bay updated the Transformers franchise with a big-screen, live-action adaptation, and by God, it is epic.  There are tons of explosions, Peter Cullen is back as Optimus Prime, there are tons of explosions, there are a number of great jokes, tons of explosions (I feel like I already mentioned this), giant robots, explosions, battle scenes, explosions, a love story, and, of course, explosions (it's a Michael Bay film, after all; I for one cannot wait to see Michael Bay Presents: Bambi).
What's that?  You wanted a plot description?  Sorry, I almost forgot after all of those damn explosions.  Anyways, the Autobots and Decepticons (for those of you who don't know, the former are the good guys) have (as usual) come to Earth to continue the war that they have waged for years on their home planet of Cybertron.  Their mission: to find the powerful Allspark (which controls all life on Cybertron) before the other side.  To find it, they must first obtain vital clues from young Sam Witwicky, an average high school student who has no idea what he is about to get himself into.  OK, there's the plot description.  Are you happy?

Rating: 3.5/4

Tropic of Cancer

"Yes, he knows how to build a fire, but I know how to inflame a c--t."  A product of loosening sexual mores during the late 1960s and early 1970s, Tropic of Cancer is based on Henry Miller's controversial, highly-praised classic novel that was originally published in the 1930s.  This adaptation moves the story's setting to the 1960s, but the concept remains the same: an American writer living in France looks for work and finds sexual encounters with a variety of women.  In spite of the quantity of sex to be had in both film and book, neither is pornographic.  The film, however, while engrossing, fails to be anything more than mildly entertaining.  The acting is emotionless, the film's structure is very loose and (at the beginning) difficult to follow, and the voice overs tend to be rather annoying and poorly done.  This is by no means a bad film, but it fails to live up to later films such as Last Tango in Paris, and is simply an exercise in futility.
Released in late February of 1970, this film became the very first to use the c-word (beating The Boys in the Band by nearly a month, Quiet Days in Clichy by several, and Carnal Knowledge by a year).

Rating: 2/4

Saving Private Ryan

"Earn this."  Considered by many to be the greatest war movie ever made (or that ever WILL be made, for that matter), Saving Private Ryan opens with a bang - an orgy of graphic, horrific violence that was known as Omaha Beach.  There, American soldiers fought against well-entrenched German forces to secure a beachhead to help with the invasion of France (other Americans, Brits, and Canadians took the other four beachheads) on June 6, 1944 - a.k.a. "D-Day."*  The frighteningly realistic (according to a number of actual vets) invasion soon gives way to a somewhat more traditional war story - a family has lost all but one of its sons in combat, and the sole survivor (if he is even alive) is missing, being a paratrooper in France.  U.S. Army Ranger Captain Miller (Tom Hanks) and his squad - including a religious sniper, a darkly humorous BAR** gunner, a nervous desk worker, and others - are assigned to locate this man - Private James Ryan (Matt Damon).  Often tense, frequently gory, and always grossly engaging (pun intended), Saving Private Ryan is an excellent film that everyone should make an effort to see.  Although it has lost some of the luster that surrounded it for quite some time after its release, Saving Private Ryan is still a powerful film.

Rating: 4/4

*There were actually many "D-Days" throughout the war.
**Browning Automatic Rifle

Kick-Ass

"How do I get a hold of you?"  "You just contact the mayor's office.  He has a special signal he shines in the sky; it's in the shape of a giant cock."  Hilarious?  Yes.  Violent?  Yes.  Excellent?  Oh yes!  Kick-Ass features a teenager who literally decides to become a superhero.  For those of you who think this sounds familiar, it is: Batman did the same thing.  The big difference is Batman had lots of handy skills and gadgets he could use in lieu of superpowers.  Kick-Ass (as the titular hero is known) has only a costume and a will of steel.  Our young hero provides inspiration to others, including a bizarre ex-cop (Nicholas Cage), who transforms himself (and his 11-year-old daughter, who is actually really badass) into Batman-like heroes (heck, Cage's hero even looks like Batman).  Together, this trio must work to stop crime in the city, led by a ruthless mob boss and his teenage son.

Rating: 3.5/4

The Transformers: The Movie

I really hate how much hate this movie gets.  Even if you aren't as big a fan of The Transformers as I am (by which I mean the original, 1980s cartoon), this movie should at least be somewhat palatable.  For fans such as myself, though, this movie is EPIC, not to mention a little heartbreaking (spoiler: a ton of characters from the first two seasons are killed off, including Optimus Prime).

With a top-notch cast including series regulars Peter Cullen, Frank Welker, Scatman Crothers, and Casey Kasem, in addition to guests Leonard Nimoy, Eric Idle, and even Orson Welles, an 80s soundtrack featuring Stan Bush and Weird Al, and gorgeous visuals, this is definitely a real treat for fans.  Hell, this was my first exposure to the original series (I jumped in as a kid when Robots in Disguise was on in the early 2000s), and I absolutely LOVED it.

Memorable Moments:
-The Decepticons shooting to kill... and actually succeeding.
-The entire Battle for Autobot City.
-Springer.  Just, Springer.  He's a helicopter AND a car, AND he's a total badass, AND he spouts awesome one-liners (the greatest being "I've got better things to do tonight than die!")
-"One shall stand, one shall fall."  Even more awesome: it comes directly after Optimus's (literal) "power drive," where he plows through a bunch of Decepticons before facing Megatron.
-"It wasn't even dented!  Oh shit, what're we gonna do now?"  The most hilarious thing about this line was that HASBRO (i.e. the guys who make the toys) requested that this line be added so that the movie would definitely get a PG rating, thus ensuring that parents would be more inclined to accompany their children to the film (and would thus know which toys to buy their kids).  I guess the high body count wasn't enough to ensure the higher rating.

Rating: 90/100 (for pure cheesy goodness)

Iron Eagle on the Attack

The final film in the Iron Eagle series, this one is extremely good - compared to the other two sequels, at least.  The plot is (somewhat) less outrageous, and most of the actors are at least palatable.  Even so, the movie is still pretty stupid, and is not as good as the first film (which was actually even stupider).  There's less action here than the other three films, but that has the added benefit of reducing the number of painful, poorly executed special effects shots that plagued its predecessors.  Even better, this is the final film in the series, so the series ends on a (relatively) high note.

Rating: 1/4

Run of the Arrow

"I coulda been a chief."  "Oh yeah?  How come you're not a chief now?"  "Eh, I got no stomach for politics."  A rarely-seen effort by Samuel Fuller, Run of the Arrow is far from your standard western.  After firing the last shot of the Civil War, Confederate soldier O'Meara (Rod Steiger, brilliantly combining Southern and Irish accents) heads west to make a new life for himself.  Along the way, he gets captured by a Native American tribe, who threaten to kill him unless he can complete the "Run of the Arrow" - an extremely difficult task, to say the least.  Of course, our hero is successful, and he is allowed to become a full member of the tribe.  When a group of soldiers (led by the man who Steiger shot at the beginning of the film) wage war on the Sioux, O'Meara must choose between his old life and his new life.
This is often cited as the first film to use squibs to simulate bullet impacts (a squib is a very small explosive which is often worn by actors to simulate bullet wounds).  At the end of the film, a single squib is used to simulate a headshot, complete with fake blood splashing from the wound.  However, the Polish film Pokolenie apparently used a squib and fake blood in 1955, two years before Run of the Arrow.
Look for badass Charles Bronson as one of the Sioux!

Rating: 3/4

Aces: Iron Eagle III

I believe that, if you make a crappy movie, you probably shouldn't make a sequel.  If you do make a sequel, then it had BETTER be better than the original.  If it's worse, then you probably shouldn't make any more movies for the rest of your life.  Iron Eagle was so bad that it was good.  Iron Eagle II was even worse, but was good in a really cheesy, awful way.  Aces: Iron Eagle III should never have been made.  The worst film of the four (yes, the idiots in charge made FOUR), Louis Gossett, Jr. is unable to make this movie make much sense whatsoever.  Even Sonny Chiba can't save this movie (although he does give a slightly above average performance).  This movie, however, did grow on me, sort of like cancer cells (although cancer cells multiply rather than grow, and I actually would rather have cancer than be forced to watch this movie).  I'll probably watch it again, since it is sort of fascinating (in a horrific, car-crash-by-the-side-of-the-road way).  The plot is inconsequential, and is simply an excuse to show off old World War II warbirds (including a P-38, a Spitfire, a Zero, and a Bf 109) instead of the series' standard F-16s and "MiGs"/Kfirs/F-4s.  At least the flying scenes are relatively decent.

Rating: 0.0001/4