The Bronze

It's a rare film that can be funny, heartfelt, sassy, sadistic, and very, very raunchy.  I am happy to report that The Bronze sticks the landing quite well.  I had the distinct pleasure of seeing this at an 8:00 pm Thursday early screening (midnight screenings can suck it), and I must say, this is one film that has been misrepresented by its advertising campaign.  The trailers, the TV spots, all of that studio-made stuff you see, only portrays the raunchier, more comedic aspects of the film (not all of them, though - it's quite a bit more explicit!), while leaving out the fact that it's a surprisingly effective drama (I say "surprisingly" because I don't think I've ever heard of a taint locket, ever, and I doubt I will ever again).  It's not always laugh-out-loud funny (although it has its fair share of moments), but it is a wicked satire of celebrity culture/idolization, and a look at what happens after an athlete's career prematurely ends.

I'm not really a huge fan of sports movies (still not sure if Caddyshack should be considered a sports film, because... well, it's fucking GOLF), but I will make an exception for The Bronze.  It helps that the "hero," Hope Ann Greggory (co-writer Melissa Rauch), is an unapologetic (and creatively profane) asshole... yet still remains oddly likable, even at the beginning (you'll understand when you see it).  Hope isn't a washed-up athlete, she's a complete loser who lives with her dad (Gary Cole) and spends her days stealing birthday card money from his mail truck and using her fame to get free crap from the good people of her small hometown.  Her claim to fame?  As a teenager, she competed in the Olympics as a member of the U.S. Women's Gymnastics team... and won a bronze medal (after spraining her ankle).  Her career may be over, but she's still a star! (I mean, Dancing With the Stars only allows the finest A-list celebs [like Geraldo Rivera] to compete, right?)  It's kind of sad, but I'm a firm believer in schadenfreude, so it's not really that sad.

Best (non-spoilerific) moments:
-Modern-day Hope's introduction
-Hope making trainee Maggie Townsend (Haley Lu Richardson) eat tons of junk food
-Hope making a "protein" shake for Maggie
-"Nod I'm cute, nod I'm cute!"
-The much-talked about sex scene (possibly the funniest one since Shoot 'Em Up)
-The second big reveal
-The end credits (Melissa Rauch does a great in-character rap - stay for it)

It's not a perfect movie, but it was still great, and I'd see it again in a heartbeat.  Also, I should apologize if this seems a little incoherent - this is my first review in nearly a year, and I'm a tad rusty.

Rating: 90%