The Bronze

It's a rare film that can be funny, heartfelt, sassy, sadistic, and very, very raunchy.  I am happy to report that The Bronze sticks the landing quite well.  I had the distinct pleasure of seeing this at an 8:00 pm Thursday early screening (midnight screenings can suck it), and I must say, this is one film that has been misrepresented by its advertising campaign.  The trailers, the TV spots, all of that studio-made stuff you see, only portrays the raunchier, more comedic aspects of the film (not all of them, though - it's quite a bit more explicit!), while leaving out the fact that it's a surprisingly effective drama (I say "surprisingly" because I don't think I've ever heard of a taint locket, ever, and I doubt I will ever again).  It's not always laugh-out-loud funny (although it has its fair share of moments), but it is a wicked satire of celebrity culture/idolization, and a look at what happens after an athlete's career prematurely ends.

I'm not really a huge fan of sports movies (still not sure if Caddyshack should be considered a sports film, because... well, it's fucking GOLF), but I will make an exception for The Bronze.  It helps that the "hero," Hope Ann Greggory (co-writer Melissa Rauch), is an unapologetic (and creatively profane) asshole... yet still remains oddly likable, even at the beginning (you'll understand when you see it).  Hope isn't a washed-up athlete, she's a complete loser who lives with her dad (Gary Cole) and spends her days stealing birthday card money from his mail truck and using her fame to get free crap from the good people of her small hometown.  Her claim to fame?  As a teenager, she competed in the Olympics as a member of the U.S. Women's Gymnastics team... and won a bronze medal (after spraining her ankle).  Her career may be over, but she's still a star! (I mean, Dancing With the Stars only allows the finest A-list celebs [like Geraldo Rivera] to compete, right?)  It's kind of sad, but I'm a firm believer in schadenfreude, so it's not really that sad.

Best (non-spoilerific) moments:
-Modern-day Hope's introduction
-Hope making trainee Maggie Townsend (Haley Lu Richardson) eat tons of junk food
-Hope making a "protein" shake for Maggie
-"Nod I'm cute, nod I'm cute!"
-The much-talked about sex scene (possibly the funniest one since Shoot 'Em Up)
-The second big reveal
-The end credits (Melissa Rauch does a great in-character rap - stay for it)

It's not a perfect movie, but it was still great, and I'd see it again in a heartbeat.  Also, I should apologize if this seems a little incoherent - this is my first review in nearly a year, and I'm a tad rusty.

Rating: 90%

Rock 'n' Roll High School

Full disclosure: I'm a pretty big Ramones fan.  Hell, I've been into punk rock since high school (although my fascination probably started in middle school, thanks to the Tony Hawk games on the GameCube*).  But really, the Ramones were what piqued my interest in punk - from the moment I first heard "Blitzkrieg Bop" in Jimmy Neutron as a kid (I still have the soundtrack album), I realized I liked this sort of music.  But enough about that.

Rock 'n' Roll High School is shamelessly cheesy in the best possible way: No subtlety whatsoever.  It's like Grease, but with significantly less spontaneous musical numbers, car/sex metaphors, spontaneous musical numbers combined with car/sex metaphors, John Travolta, John Travolta getting hit in the balls, teenage pregnancy, and swearing (not joking - not like the Ramones were known for being dirty, anyway**).  We do, however, get significantly more sadistic principals (well, ONE sadistic principal), (literally) exploding mice (!), punk rock, actual Ramones concerts, Ramones, Dee Dee acting dorky (in other words, being himself), secretly awesome teachers, moronic/sadistic hall monitors, cocaine jokes, bathrooms that are used to run secret rackets (the guy in charge can hook up guys with girls, give dating advice, get you weed, etc. - the whole thing reminds me of the cartoon Recess, for some reason), insanely dorky football players who can't get dates (!!), and explosions.  There's also an intricate plot, but for some reason it doesn't really matter.  Oh, and a hysterical scene with a sex doll that has to be seen to be believed (don't worry, it's tamer than you can possibly imagine).

If you want a really deep, thoughtful movie about high school, watch Angus.  If you want cheesy, goofy fun that features the actual, honest-to-God Ramones (well, not Tommy - Marky had taken his place by that point) serenading P.J. Soles (and Marky fucking teleporting, with his drum kit, from outside her house into her fucking shower during a dream sequence***), and school REALLY being out forever (well, you'll get what I mean), then watch this.

Rating: 90%

*I'll post about it on my other blog, if I ever get around to writing about it.
**Unless you count the title of the song "Censorshit" or one word in "Warthog," they have kept it cleaner than even MxPx at this point (yes, really - MxPx just released a cover of Screeching Weasel's "Leather Jacket," "fuck" intact).
***It makes sense in context... she was stoned... I don't fucking know, it's a goddamn movie.

A Million Ways to Die in the West (advanced review)

Note: the following review is SPOILER-FREE.  Do not look at ANY spoilers for this film - trust me, they'll ruin two of the best jokes in the film.  In fact, don't even look at the cast list on Wikipedia or IMDb or anything (I'll explain why shortly).



Ladies and gentlemen, it is with great pleasure that I bring to you this special review of A Million Ways to Die in the West - more than a week before it hits theaters!  As noted in a special message (pre-recorded by stars Seth MacFarlane and Charlize Theron), those of us in the theater would be amongst the very first members of the general public to see the finished film.  Now, without further ado, on to the review!

I know many of Seth MacFarlane's programs (Family Guy, American Dad, the dearly-departed Cleveland Show) are despised by just as many people as there are fans of said shows.  Ted showed that he was more than just a great TV writer, voice actor, and singer - it proved that he could direct and write films, too.  A Million Ways to Die in the West, in turn, blows Ted away (figuratively, although with all those gunshots, perhaps literally, too).  Within the first thirty seconds (probably the first ten or fifteen, actually) of the film's opening narration, the first joke landed right on target - and the film proper just kept going from there.  Alternately laugh-out-loud funny, heartwarming/romantic, and suspenseful (Liam Neeson makes a great villain), A Million Ways to Die in the West may not be Blazing Saddles, but it comes very, VERY close (though the two are difficult to compare, really).  I can honestly say that this one might be worth going back to see once it releases to the general public (I am pretty sure I missed a couple of jokes this time - everyone was laughing much too hard).

The only real downside to the film was that a very few (and just a few) jokes were a little too awkward - mostly from overstaying their welcome (and even a couple of these redeemed themselves with a great punchline).  In a film in which virtually every joke hits the bulls-eye, it's hard for there to be any standouts, but there are two - I won't spoil them, but they both involve VERY unexpected (yet not technically out-of-place) cameos.  Again, DO NOT LOOK AT ANY SPOILERS OR CAST LISTS (at least until after you have seen the film).  And don't tell anyone who intends to ever see the movie, either.

I'd like to conclude this review by thanking the cast for their outstanding performances (especially Liam Neeson - seriously, DO NOT FUCK WITH CLINCH LEATHERWOOD), to the writers (duh), and to Mr. MacFarlane for directing, writing, producing, novelizing and starring in this film, as well as everyone else who would have worked on it (I didn't have time to stay for the credits, but I am sure they weren't as long as Iron Man).

Rating: 999,999/1,000,000 (hey, how else was I gonna rate it?)

Note: I wrote this review for Gofobo (which distributed the passes for the advanced screening).  The version on that site is not as complete as this one.  The screening was on May 21, 2014, at 7:30 p.m. in Columbia, MD; this review was written and posted on both Gofobo and my blog on May 22.

Pacific Rim

I liked this movie.  I didn't love it - I just liked it.  The premise seems simple enough: giant monsters (the Kaiju) invade our world through a portal beneath the Pacific Ocean, so we develop giant robots (the Jaegers) to battle them.  Unfortunately, that's about as deep as it gets.  Sure, there's some stuff in there about humans "interfacing" with the Kaiju like the Jaeger pilots (there are two pilots per machine, connected via neural interface), but that actually kind of weighs the movie down.  The movie really shines in its action scenes (which are absolutely spectacular), as well as in some of the acting (notably Charlie Day, who injects a little bit of humor into the film, as well as Idris Elba and Ron Perlman).

A sequel is planned (although I don't really see the point, as the movie works very well as a stand-alone film).

Overall: A good tribute to the old Japanese kaiju films (such as Gojira), Pacific Rim possesses some originality, but this is brought down by a cliched story and (mostly) average acting.

Rating: 70/100

The Hangover Part III

The Wolfpack is back, for one final adventure - and this time, the plot is actually new.  When Alan causes a major freeway accident (it involves a giraffe and an overpass), his father suffers a fatal heart attack, and his friends and family decide that it's time for him to go away to get well.  As Stu, Phil, and Doug take him to the looney bin, they are run off the road... by Black Doug (remember him, from the first movie?)  In fact, the whole plot of this movie hinges on the first two films (especially the first one - they pick up on very minor pieces of dialogue from that film and make them into plot points here).  Ken Jeong is back as Mr. Chow, who is just as crazy as ever (perhaps even moreso now).  We also have the return of Jade the Hooker (from the first film), as well as her son.

Although nowhere nearly as good as the first film (which is as much a "popcorn classic" as films such as Star Wars and Casablanca), Part III is a great improvement over the second film, which was just a rehash of the first film set in the Philippines.  This time around, the humor is MUCH darker (often venturing into the realm of black comedy), with a surprising amount of violence for a gross-out comedy.  Also notable is the fact that the humor is slightly less juvenile than in the first two films (although whether or not this is a good thing is a matter of personal opinion - after all, even Benjamin Franklin loved a good fart joke).  Most interestingly, however, is the fact that we get some character development from Alan - he actually matures a bit during the film, and even takes responsibility for some of his actions.  It's pretty touching, in some ways.

While the humor here is hit-or-miss (primarily "hitting," though), Part III serves as a worthy finale to the trilogy.  Don't get up as soon as the end credits start to roll - there's a quick (but absolutely priceless) scene just after the initial cast list.

Rating: 80/100

Additional Note: There was one scene I simply could not stand to watch.  To put it bluntly: I am not epileptic, but I swear to God, said scene probably would have given me a seizure.  Also, I now understand why they banned that one episode of Pokemon with the missiles and the flashing lights (which is nowhere NEARLY as bad as the scene from the movie I'm discussing).

R.I.P. Roger Ebert

Legendary movie critic Roger Ebert has passed away at the age of 70, following a recurrence of cancer.  Roger Ebert (along with Leonard Maltin) inspired me to start reviewing movies, and for that, I thank him.  My condolences go out to Mr. Ebert's family, friends, and colleagues.

Red Dawn (remake)

As Forrest Gump once said, "stupid is as stupid does."  The remake of Red Dawn isn't stupid - it's completely effing retarded (and I do NOT use the "r-word" lightly).

Things I Liked About This Movie:
-The cast was awesome.
-The Korean-American Marine (I think his name was Smith) was basically a massive redneck.

Things I Hated About This Movie:
-Everything else.

The plot (North Korea invades the United States) isn't even halfway realistic (unless you count the video game Homefront, which was the idea of John Milius, the director of the original Red Dawn - Homefront actually offers up a reasonable scenario, at least).  North Korea's military is entirely focused on attacking South Korea, and their entire strategy is, "let's throw as many men and tanks at the South Koreans and Americans and hope that we have more guys than they have bullets."  North Korea's two major allies are Russia (which, in this film, has been taken over by ultra-nationalists [sort of like in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare]) and the People's Republic of China (which was the original enemy in the remake - the film had to be re-edited so as to allow it to be shown in that country, which would not have been possible with the Chinese as the invaders [at least China would have been a more plausible adversary than North Korea]), and even they don't like the North Koreans all that much.  Let's look at some of the highlights of this movie's idiocy:

-An EMP wipes out the communications infrastructure, rendering the U.S. military unable to coordinate, yet allows iPhones to continue to operate.  In reality, many of the computer-based systems in the military are hardened against EMPs, while iPhones are not, so the opposite should be true.
-As a large chunk of the military is deployed overseas, there aren't enough troops left to combat the threat at home.  This actually makes sense.  However, I highly doubt that the only initial defense against an invasion would be some local police officers and a single F-16.
-North Korea invades the west coast, while Russia takes the east coast.  Because obviously, North Korean forces wouldn't be attacked by the South Koreans, the Japanese, and the Australians as they launched an invasion of the U.S., while the Russians could just slip by NATO and France.
-North Korea's military SUCKS.  Big time.  Their equipment is shitty, their soldiers and even their officers are under-trained and underfed, their navy is a complete joke (compared to the rest of their military, which isn't that great, either), and their few allies don't even like them that much.

At least the original Red Dawn was at least halfway plausible - this one makes Harry Potter and Star Wars look like highly-realistic films.  Hell, I bet that even the Lord of the Rings movies are more factual than this piece of crap.*  Don't waste your time.

Rating: 15/100

*Yeah, I haven't seen any of the LOTR movies.  Sue me.

Enemy at the Gates

A good cast, a good idea for a story, and good action sequences don't necessarily make for a great movie.  Case in point: Enemy at the Gates.  Based on the career of legendary Soviet sniper Vasily Zaitsev during the Battle of Stalingrad, what would otherwise be an excellent war movie dealing with two little-seen aspects of the war (the Russian Front as seen by the Russians, and the lives of snipers) is marred by a number of glaring historical accuracies and a love triangle.  On the one hand, it was nice to see some recognition for the heroic women of the Soviet Union (which may have been the only country during the Second World War to allow women to serve in combat roles [albeit only in a few roles, such as snipers or fighter pilots, and, unofficially, as tankers]).  On the other hand, having two snipers fall in love (and even have sex) during the middle of a desperate battle slowed the film down greatly (and was also very historically inaccurate).  Oh, and Zaitsev's opponent in this movie?  A legendary German sniper who may have not even EXISTED IN THE FIRST PLACE!  The Soviets distributing only one rifle for every two men (the idea being that the unarmed man would grab the rifle of the other man when he died) was completely ludicrous - the Russians may not have had enough rifles for everyone, but every man would at least have some sort of firearm by the time he was thrown into combat (if a soldier was not issued a Mosin-Nagant rifle, he would probably be given a submachine gun [most likely the widely-produced and widely-distributed PPSh-41]).  Also, the Russians would not have distributed weapons to men just before combat - in fact, Zaitsev and his comrades were already armed by the time they boarded the trains to the front (according to Zaitsev's memoirs, he was not issued a rifle initially - he carried only a PPSh-41).  And I don't think the Russians would have shot their own men if they retreated during battle (although I have heard of this happening at some points - just not during the Battle of Stalingrad, where every able man was needed to fight the Germans).  There are also absolutely NO Russian tanks or planes to be seen anywhere - in fact, the Russians had many vehicles (including the excellent and widely-produced T-34, in addition to captured German tanks and Lend-Lease vehicles from the U.S. and Britain, such as the Sherman), as well as large numbers of planes (including a number of excellent domestic types, and craft received from the U.S. and Britain).  You know what, I'm gonna stop listing the historical inaccuracies - there are just too many to count.  Point is, if you like war films (and have actually read this entire overly-long paragraph), then you should give this a try.  If you could care less about this genre, skip it.

Rating: 67/100

None But the Brave

An interesting picture, None But the Brave is the only film ever directed by legendary actor/singer Frank Sinatra.  A Japanese-American co-production, the film is intriguing in that it examines both the Americans and the Japanese fighting in World War II, with each group speaking their own language.  There were no subtitles for the Japanese dialogue, so it was hard to understand what they were saying, but it seems like they were saying the same things as the Americans were.

The film begins with narration from a Japanese lieutenant, who, along with his platoon, are the only people left on an island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean (the island was bypassed by the island-hopping Allied forces).  Things change after a Skytrain transport is shot down over the sea, and crash-lands on the island.  The pilot, his radio operator, about a dozen marines, and a Navy medic/corpsman (Sinatra) are the only survivors.  After some initial fighting (which results in the destruction of the boat the Japanese were building), the two sides agree to a truce so that all may survive.  In spite of continuing friction, friendships form, and the two groups work together.  Eventually, the Americans get their radio working, and are able to send for a rescue - at which point everything falls apart.

None But the Brave is far from a masterpiece, but it is actually a pretty good movie.  My only major complaint was casting Tommy Sands as the Marine commanding officer - it was painful to listen to him speak, and he made the character seem like a loud, buffoonish asshole.  Frank Sinatra, on the other hand, was brilliant, and added some good humor to the mix.  All in all, a very watchable picture.

Rating: 78/100

Anzio

Anzio reminds me of being a junior in high school: I sort of knew what I wanted to do with my life, but I sort of didn't.  I was at a crossroads, between being a teenager and being... an older teenager.  Anzio is a lot like that.  On the one hand, it wants to be a grand, epic war movie (sort of like the earlier Sands of Iwo Jima or The Longest Day or the later A Bridge Too Far and Saving Private Ryan), but seems like a smaller film (like Beach Red or The Big Red One).  In most respects, it is a pretty conventional film for its era (it was released in 1968), but seems to be slightly more liberal/anti-war than other films (again, it came out in 1968, at the height of American involvement in the Vietnam War), to the extent that it is more like the rather unconventional The Dirty Dozen (released the year before) than the very conventional The Green Berets (released the same year as Anzio).  The story is simple enough: during WWII, a large force of U.S. Army Rangers advancing towards Rome are wiped out and captured during the Battle of Cisterna, leaving only about half a dozen surviving, free men, including war correspondent Dick Ennis (Robert Mitchum).  After the battle, the men must try to make it back to Allied lines safely.  The acting here is reasonable (especially from Peter Falk), and the dialogue seems OK.  The film can be a little weird at times (while many men are shot during the course of the movie, there is no blood - except for one shooting, which results in a fairly jarring spray of red from the wound).  The color palette used for the film is refreshing - instead of the dull colors used in some war films, we get bright, vivid colors.

While by no means a bad movie, Anzio seems a little shabby.  This is one of the few movies for which a remake seems like a pretty good idea.

Rating: 69/100

Django Unchained

While Pulp Fiction will always be Quentin Tarantino's masterpiece, his latest effort, Django Unchained, is certainly a close second - very, very close.  It was only a matter of time before Tarantino turned his attention to the western, and, as always, Tarantino has managed to make the genre his own.  More of a "Southern" than a western (after all, it does take place in the American South), Django Unchained may very well be the best western ever made.

Set in 1858, Django Unchained follows ex-slave Django (Jamie Foxx) and dentist-turned-bounty hunter Dr. King Schultz (Christoph Waltz) as they attempt to track down a trio of prime targets.  That is not the main plot.  The main plot is their quest to buy back Django's wife, Broomhilda (Kerry Washington), from her owner, plantation owner Calvin J. Candie (Leonardo DiCaprio) - a task easier said than done.  Tarantino's hallmarks of a strong story, excellent dialogue, and spot-on casting are all evident from the get-go.  With Samuel L. Jackson co-starring, and Jonah Hill, Robert Carradine, Tarantino himself, and even Franco Nero (who starred in the mostly-unrelated 1966 spaghetti western Django) all making appearances, the film has everything going for it - and that's just the tip of the iceberg.

One of the most notable things about this film is, as with all Tarantino films, the dialogue - it's eloquent, profane (although not as much as Tarantino's other films), and downright hilarious (the scene with the trackers, including Carradine and Hill, gets more laughs than many comedies have in their duration).  The blood is red, and spurts out from wounds as if real squibs (as in, honest-to-God squibs using dynamite, like in the days of The Wild Bunch) were used, and not that crappy CGI blood seen in some more recent films.

Another thing I really liked about this film is Samuel L. Jackson.  Now, I'm a pretty big Jackson fan, but his performance here is just something else.  It reminds me heavily of Uncle Ruckus from The Boondocks.  He hits all the right notes at the right moments, and is just a massive delight to watch.  It's a shame he doesn't get as much screen time as his fellow thespians, though - his character is deliciously evil and hilarious.

Okay, review's over.  Get off your lazy ass and go to the nearest theater that's showing Django Unchained.  Veet, veet!

Rating: 105/100 (it broke the rating scale)

Seven Psychopaths

Martin McDonagh must be a huge Quentin Tarantino fan, because his movie Seven Psychopaths feels quite a lot like a Tarantino film.  When I first saw the preview for it, I immediately thought of Pulp Fiction.  The actual movie really shows its Tarantino roots, but McDonagh steers the movie in its own direction.

Marty (Colin Farrell) is a screenwriter trying to complete his latest script, titled Seven Psychopaths.  His best friend, Billy Bickle (Sam Rockwell), kidnaps dogs for a living with his friend Hans (Christopher Walken), and then return the dogs to their owners to collect the reward money.  The Shih Tzu really hits the fan, however, when Billy and Hans kidnap Bonnie, the beloved dog of gangster Charlie (Woody Harrelson), forcing Billy, Marty, and Hans to get the hell out of Dodge for a while.  To pass time, they work on Marty's screenplay.  The psychopaths include a man who used to be in the Viet Cong, a couple that murdered murderers, and even a Quaker (who probably has the best story of them all).  Overall, the characters (both in the movie proper and Marty's screenplay) are very intriguing, and the film itself tends to be very self-referential.  Walken is absolutely brilliant as Hans, while Rockwell as Billy is absolutely insane.

Offbeat, unpredictable, and very entertaining, Seven Psychopaths is a difficult movie to classify.  It's like Pulp Fiction, but with a little more action/gunplay.  The only other movie that I can really offer up for comparison is The Big Lebowski (you'd have to watch both Lebowski and Psychopaths to understand).  This is definitely one movie that isn't to be missed.

Rating: 91/100

Dogma

"Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in next to soccer."
Kevin Smith is generally known for making vulgar, obnoxious movies that are full of heart.  Dogma is... a vulgar, obnoxious movie that is full of heart, but is also a clever religious satire.  While not as hilarious as his other films (such as Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back), Dogma is pretty funny, and quite compelling, too.  The story is clear (and quite complex), the characters are distinct and likeable, and the acting is excellent.  Who else but Kevin Smith could make a story about two fallen angels' attempt to get back into Heaven (having been expelled for being drunk on the job long, long ago) and the attempts of average woman Bethany Sloane (an abortion clinic worker) and her ragtag band of holy misfits (including Jay and Silent Bob, who are apparently prophets) into a crass comedy?  The real-life bromance between Matt Damon and Ben Affleck is highly evident here, and really adds depth to their characters (Loki [a grigori] and Bartleby [the former Angel of Death], respectively).  In addition to Damon and Affleck, the cast includes Jason Mewes and Smith himself (as Jay and Silent Bob, of course), George Carlin (in the ironic role of a Catholic priest*), Chris Rock, Jason Lee, Alanis Morissette, Linda Fiorentino, Salma Hayek, and Alan Rickman round out the cast.  Oh, and a certain someone important gets put into a coma (not telling you who though).

Rating: 86/100

"Beautiful, naked, big-tittied women just don't fall out of the sky."

*I get the feeling that, were this movie made today, there would be some altar boy jokes.

The Lost Battalion

Relatively decent made-for-TV movie based on the true story of a unit of the United States Army that was surrounded by German forces in the Argonne Forest in France during the Meuse-Argonne Offensive in 1918 (during World War I, obviously).  The film is relatively historically accurate (the American soldiers, for instance are seen using M1917 Enfield rifles, which were more common than the standard-issue M1903 Springfield), although there are probably a number of goofs (I'm not an expert on the battle, so I wouldn't know for certain what they are).  Overall, though, the film is adequate: adequate script, adequate directing, adequate acting, good sets, costumes, and armaments.  Oh, and the film doesn't drag on too long, and the gunshot effects (specifically the blood that squirts out of wounds) gives a certain cinematic flair that harkens back to movies like Bullitt and The Wild Bunch.  A good watch if you like war movies or historical dramas, but nothing to write home about.

Rating: 70/100

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

I love Will Ferrell.  He's a terrific actor, and extremely funny - qualities which are prominently displayed in Anchorman.  Ron Burgundy (Ferrell) is the anchorman of a local San Diego news station.  However, his world gets turned upside down with the arrival of a sexy new reporter (Christina Applegate), with whom Burgundy soon falls in love (obviously).  And of course, there's normal news anchor stuff, like Ron's relationship with Baxter (his dog), his news team's rivalry with other San Diego news teams (which culminates in one of the movie's most hilarious/most violent moments), and the quirkiness of the rest of Ron's news team (including Paul Rudd and, most notably, Steve Carrell as a dimwitted weatherman).

While not a movie for everyone (i.e. people who don't like Will Ferrell will absolutely hate it), Anchorman is a wonderful film, and is easily one of Ferrell's most memorable.

Rating: 90/100

The Expendables 2

There's only one thing to do when you make a successful movie that is the ultimate love letter to action movies: do it again!  The Expendables 2 is pretty much The Expendables all over again: Barney Ross (Stallone) and co. work for Mr. Church (Bruce Willis), and go and shoot people and blow stuff up.  The main difference this time around is the cast: Bruce Willis and Ahnold (in the role of Trench) get bigger roles, and Chuck Norris joins in on the fun (for better or for worse).  There's also newcomers Maggie (Yu Nan), a Chinese tech genius (and all-around badass) who Mr. Church sends along with Barney's team to retrieve some valuable data, and Billy the Kid (Liam Hemsworth), a crackerjack young sniper who served with the U.S. Army in Afghanistan.  Jean-Claude Van Damme plays a cold, ruthless, possibly Russian villain.  I honestly don't know why they even bothered with a plot; it's basically porn (something which Stallone should be very familiar with) for action-movie junkies.  Basically, the movie is a cacophony of blood spurts, fiery explosions, gunfire, and one-liners, with a tank thrown in for good measure.

This movie isn't high art; it's good, violent fun.  It's cliched, and it's proud of that fact.  The score tells you how to feel (although the poppy oldies music and classic rock are rather jarring, albeit awesome), the bad guys are piss-poor shots (they must have gone to the Imperial Stormtrooper Marksman Academy) and the good guys never run out of bullets when they're mowing down mooks (except when they run out for the sake of dramatic tension).  Oh, and there's a Chuck Norris fact, as well as references to many of the stars' past films (including Rambo, Terminator, Die Hard, and Good Guys Wear Black).  Still, I have a few problems with this movie:

-The profanity.  Namely, there's very, very little (even compared to the first Expendables movie, which didn't have all that much to begin with).  Nobody drops the f-bomb (supposedly because of Chuck Norris being a conservative Christian and all that crap*), even Bruce Willis (if you've seen Die Hard, you'll understand).
-Jet Li.  He only appears at the beginning of the movie before returning to China.  It's kind of a letdown.
-CGI blood.  For God's sake, use packets filled with red dye, not that fake-looking computer-generated crap.
-All the badasses who didn't appear in the film, but should have (I'll list them in a moment).

Other than that, I really liked this movie.

Rating: 78/100

And now, the list of people not appearing in this movie:
-Clint Eastwood (although I've heard that Stallone wants him for Expendables 3)
-Justin Bieber (I thought it would be cool to see him get killed in a very gruesome way)
-Jackie Chan
-Lee Marvin (he's dead)
-Bruce Lee (he's dead, but I'm pretty sure he can come back to life, sort of like Jesus)
-John Wayne (again, dead)
-William Holden (dead)
-Ernest Borgnine (dead, and just recently, to boot)
-Jim Brown
-Will Smith
-Matt Damon
-Nicolas Cage (who Stallone actually tried to get in the movie)
-Antonio Banderas (offered a role, but had to turn it down due to prior commitments)
-Taylor Lautner (a.k.a. the only actor from Twilight that I actually like/has any talent)(Stallone apparently considered him for the role that went to Hemsworth)
-Lucy Liu
-Samuel L. Jackson
-David Carradine (dead... but what a way to go!)
-Mark Hamill

*Chuck Norris DID appear in Dodgeball, which had the word (used, in fact, to describe Mr. Norris himself), so I have no idea why he was so anal about swearing in this movie.

The Campaign

I like Will Ferrell.  I like Zach Galifianakis.  I was thrilled to learn that they would be working together on a movie.  The Campaign lives up to expectations - and then some.  While it may appear to the untrained eye as a stupid, simplistic, crude, and vulgar depiction of American politics, it's actually... a stupid, simplistic, crude, and vulgar depiction of American politics.  It's also hilarious, and right on target.  Ferrell and Galifianakis (yes, I had to look up how to spell his name) are perfect as candidates for the U.S. Congress, with Galifianakis stealing the show as the bizarre Marty Huggins.  The film, in spite of its crudeness, was also very touching,* and very timely as well (seeing as how we are about to choose between Obama and Rmoney [sorry, I meant "Romney"] - or, as I like to call them, Barack Obama and Raging Rich Asshole).  Even if you don't like Will Ferrell, you can still enjoy this movie (even my mother, who is not a fan of the man, thought the movie was actually pretty good).  So what if it's not All the President's Men?  It doesn't need to be - it just needs to be good.  And it's damned good.

Rating: 82/100


*I'm serious (actually, I'm Brandon, but I'm also not joking).

Killer Joe

For quite a while now, I've believed that Matthew McConaughey is an underrated actor.  Just because someone is in a lot of fluffy crowd-pleasers doesn't mean that they can't act.  I first opened my eyes to McConaughey when I saw Tropic Thunder, and my belief was further reinforced through A Time to Kill.  But it's Killer Joe that really seals the deal.  Here, McConaughey plays "Killer" Joe Cooper, a Texas cop (actually, a detective with the Dallas Police Department) who has a side business: he kills people.  When a young man (Emile Hirsch) needs money to pay off some drug debts, he comes up with a crazy idea: have his mother killed, and collect her life insurance money (which is apparently $50,000).  His white trash family (who probably define white trash) - father, sister, and stepmother - think it's a good idea (the mother is apparently a real bitch), and they hire none other than Killer Joe himself to do the dirty deed.  He demands $25,000 upfront - which can't be paid.  Instead, he takes collateral, in the form of little sister Dottie (who is portrayed as possibly being underage - I really can't tell how old she's supposed to be).  And here lies the point where the feces impact the fan.
The film contains many, many uncomfortable moments (I found myself shifting around in my seat quite often - something which I do not normally do at the movies), and McConaughey's performance sent chills down my spine (the theater I went to, while very, very nice, was also rather warm).  I must say, McConaughey's performance ranks as one of the best that I've ever seen - and I've seen some damn good acting in my life.  While the movie certainly earns its NC-17 rating (it really is NOT for everyone), it really isn't a bad movie at all.  Directed by William Friedkin (best known for The Exorcist and The French Connection back in the 1970s, the latter of which netted him an Oscar for Best Director) and based on a play by Pulitzer Prize winner Tracy Letts, Killer Joe is one of the most chilling, twisted, disturbing films I have ever laid eyes on - and also one of the best.

Rating: 99/100

Von Richtofen and Brown

Adequate Roger Corman flick about air combat during World War I.  The movie mainly focuses on Manfred von Richtofen (a.k.a. the "Red Baron," who, with 80 confirmed kills, was the highest-scoring pilot during the war) and Roy Brown - a Canadian ace* flying with Britain's Royal Flying Corps/Royal Air Force who supposedly killed the Baron in combat (in reality, it was probably an Australian soldier who fired the fatal bullet).  The acting isn't anything to crow about (everyone speaks English, and individual characters, save for Brown, are difficult to pick out), and there are many, many glaring historical errors.  The flying sequences are the best thing about the film, and feature authentic aircraft (and, in some cases, replicas).  No real surprises, but the film is palatable.

Rating: 70/100

*An "ace" is generally defined as a pilot who has shot down five or more enemy aircraft in combat.  This number varied during World War I, but by the end of the war, the number was generally five.  The highest-scoring ace of all time is Erich Hartmann, a German pilot during World War II with a whopping 352 aerial victories (in second place is fellow German Gerhard Barkhorn, who racked up a mere 301 kills during WWII).

Red Dawn

The Russians are coming!  No really: Russian, Cuban, and Nicaraguan troops invade the United States in the 1980s (the Soviet Union was apparently fairly desperate because of bad wheat crops), with Russian and Cuban paratroopers being dropped in the middle of the U.S., occupying several states (including Colorado, where the movie is set).  A group of teenagers, arming themselves with whatever they can find, form a guerrilla group known as the "Wolverines" (after their high school mascot) and, with the help of a Colonel from the Air Force (who was rescued by the teens after his F-15 was shot down), attack the occupying forces, avenging family members and friends who were killed.

While by no means a bad movie, Red Dawn isn't particularly good, either.  The acting is decent enough (Patrick Swayze stars, and Charlie Sheen also appears), and the battle sequences are excellent (rumor has it that a mock T-72 tank used in the film was so accurate that the CIA became suspicious), but the basic concept seems rather preposterous.  The best thing about the movie is probably the alternate history discussions it has inspired (including a big thread on one forum where people make up stories about what they did during the time of the movie).  Overall, the film is enjoyable enough (as are many stupid movies), and earns its status as a cult classic (although just barely).

Written by John Milius, the basic plot (Russian paratroopers dropped from transports disguised as civilian airliners) was used again in the game Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 (which features several shout-outs to this movie).  The video game Homefront (also scripted by Milius) and its companion novel feature a similar plot (North Korea invades the U.S. this time).  Also of note: this was the first film to be released with a PG-13 rating (which was introduced the year this film came out - 1984), although it was not the first movie to actually receive the new rating (that "honor" would go to The Flamingo Kid).  If you like war movies, action flicks, Patrick Swayze, or really, really corny plots, you'll love Red Dawn.

Rating: 70/100